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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 18, 2016 23:03:01 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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He felt like he was suffocating, the mere few seconds between his sudden movements feeling like hours, days, years. He was just a few steps away from where he had let Makoto in, from where happy had turned into worry had turned into despair and sadness. He was a mere metres away from the room where everything had broken loose, and he had seen his friend break down before him, a sight he wanted to forget, to pretend hadn't happened. He wanted to forget his own breakdown, their horrible attempts at fixing it all, the problems. The dragging of time was drowning him, and he couldn't get out.
He was staring at Makoto, the person he loved so dear, the one he trusted, and never wanted to leave his side. He was also staring at the person who might shatter if he brought him inside that room again, the person who was so fragile, so delicate, the person he had to protect at all costs. There was so much confusion, so many emotions on the other's face, and it hurt to look at. He wanted to be the strong person and enter first, take that plunge and appear confident that the other side of the door did not hold horrors and sadness; but he was weak, cowardly, unwilling to even think about being that person.
His fingers ached in the tight grips they held. He was pretty confident that they would likely hurt for sometime too, especially as the metal keys were a lot more jagged than Makoto's hand; but Makoto's hand held its own strength too, and the mutual tight grip was intense. "It's alright, Haru..." Makoto was trying to be comforting, but all Haruka could hear were lies, now the one in denial. How could it be alright when he had brought them back here so soon?
Makoto's eyes were darting, and Haruka found it incredibly hard to read his friend, his own desperate, panicked stare for once being the thing that held more emotion, even if only briefly. He could see that Makoto was thinking, deciding something, from the way his lips were tight, and the certain pattern his eyes moved in, but when it came to the reasoning behind it, Haruka was lost.
Then suddenly the other was after his keys, and instinctively he tensed up, unintentionally making them hard to grasp for a solid second, fingers uncurling stiffly when his mind caught up to his body and released them. He could feel the ache from holding them so tight for that duration, but he couldn't even look down to see if they had dug in as much as it felt they did; instead his focus on Makoto, who was taking the plunge, going after the door to his home.
He hardly had time to react in a panic, for by the time he had moved to try and take a step back, Makoto was releasing their grip rather violently, and this deepened his fear. For the few seconds between movements, Haruka was sure that Makoto was running, taking the chance, and not entering the premises. But that was so very short lived, for Makoto was there, forcing himself under Haruka, and despite him tensing right up again, the other was rather easily able to lift him, much to Haruka's dismay.
'Makoto, no, I lied. Please don't bring us back in there. I don't want to fight again.' He was trembling in the other's hold, stiff as a board, mind screaming for him to fight, but fear paralyzing him. It was that same feeling he had felt just a few times in his past, the deep, gut-wrenching fear that makes one so scared, so, so scared. He couldn't move, he couldn't react. All he could do was accept it, as his mind gave him each and every instance of the worst case scenario it could, in different locations of his home. They flashed by like a movie in speed, drowning his ears in some of the things he hated the most; conflict and anger. He couldn't deal with it, this couldn't happen.
And then he was struggling. It had only been a few seconds in passing, but he was desperately trying to hold onto a part of the wall, much like a child could. Part of him internally screaming he was over-reacting, while the rest played those horrible scenes. 'Stop yelling, please, stop!' He had caught a part of the wall but just barely, and it was gone from his grasp faster than he had gotten it. He was reacting too slowly to get what he wanted, and the defeat was setting in, and as fast as that attempt had come on, it was gone, and he was still again, breaths heavy, heart pounding. 'Turn around, please, please go the other way. Makoto, stop, please stop.'
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 20, 2016 15:34:01 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Makoto wasn't sure if he should have been more afraid to go in. He'd like to blame the room for making everything between them go sour today, but he knew better than that. The only person Makoto could really blame was himself. Anywhere the two of them would have met up again would have carried the bad vibes that could be felt inside of Haru's home. He was sure that he was at such a breaking point that he would have broken down in front of Haru no matter where they had met up.
He'd been so shattered inside from all the distance and the loneliness he'd been feeling from not really getting to spend time with any of his friends. He'd seen Rin for a short time, but that felt like nothing considering it was only them eating a meal together, not that he wasn't entirely greatful. Then he'd gotten to spend that wonderful time with Sousuke, who'd actually made him forget about all of the bad welling up inside of him. He was probably the best distraction he could have asked for. Even thinking about it made him feel a little warm inside. Nevertheless, glancing over at Haru when he held him over his should made that warm feeling disappear, replacing it with sadness and fear all over again. All he wanted was to make Haru happy, and instead he'd made him feel as bad as he was feeling. Makoto just hoped it wasn't any worse then that, but he couldn't even be sure anymore.
Haru hadn't wanted to be picked up. He could feel some resistance, but he just had to do this. They had to get inside, because he had to prove to Haru that it was going to be alright. He had to find a way to show him despite how terrible he felt inside. After they were through the door, Makoto bent forward slightly as he set Haru down in front of him as gently as he could manage, feeling pain as he took a small step back afterward, letting the touch that had been making him feel slightly more secure about everything end.
Makoto closed the door behind him, and didn't move out of the way in case Haru intended to move past him. "Haru..." He spoke, eyes filled with worry, still on the brim of tears. "I don't want going home to feel this way for you." A hand came up and gripped his own face as he realized now that they were in, he had no idea where to go from here. "I want your home to be a happy one. I should have never come here and ruined that for you." He should have waited until he was in a better move or at least for when his acting skills were doing better. "Maybe we were wrong... Maybe you'd still be okay if you were in here... alone. I'm the reason being in here feels the way it does." He didn't want to say that again, because he didn't want to leave Haru's side despite how he wanted to run away before. Seeing him like this made it nearly impossible to turn away. "But, I don't want to leave you." He let his hand drop from his face, a sad smile taking over. His lip began to quiver again, but he took in a deep, shaking breath to try and fight it off from happening again. "I just... I don't know what to do." He felt like a broken record.  | | 590 words | ;-; |
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 23, 2016 12:09:20 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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It felt like the walls were closing in, the entryway growing smaller, ready to crush the two, and everything else that stood in its way. He felt trapped, like an animal, confined to the grasp that held him firmly, unwilling to let him out until the right moment, and he was petrified. Even if him being upon his friend's shoulders only lasted thirty seconds at most, his frantic mind made it out to be much longer, every second dragging on as if they were minutes, hours, days. It had felt like forever since he had gripped the wall, made that pathetic escape attempt, and even Makoto releasing him, bringing his feet to the beloved ground, even that was so slow, so, so slow.
As soon as his feet touched the ground he felt like he might fall, the claustrophobia of the room and everything making his legs weak with anxiety, fear, paranoia. Makoto had been so gentle, but the changes from one thing to the next felt so drastic, so sudden, and as the other pulled away, he was still tense, shoulders rigid. 'You're okay, it's okay. It's your home, home is good. Home isn't tainted.' Reassuring thoughts were doing their best to provide comfort, but he was still so worried that now that they were trapped within, the things he hated the most would happen again. He hated conflict, he hated drama and anger, and most of all, he hated when it involved friends. It was so hard not to get involved when one was face to face with their friend, and now that they were in so deep, he couldn't run, he couldn't hide; Makoto would be gone if he tried to avoid talking about this now, or in the future.
"Haru..." Makoto was in his way of the only exit of his home, firm, but also so weak, so broken. It hurt to see. 'There are windows.' Ideas that shouldn't be ideas, thoughts that were so unneeded, why was he so desperate for an escape? Why was this scaring him so? "I don't want going home to feel this way for you." It was too late for that; he couldn't fight it. He knew, he just knew, that it would be a solid day before he could relax, that his mind could find something to dwell on other than the situations.
"I want your home to be a happy one. I should have never come here and ruined that for you." Makoto looked stressed, worried, sad, emotions that Haruka hated seeing on his best friend, or anyone for that matter, and he hated it. 'Please let me out. I made a mistake. Let's go back to the previous plans, please, I swear we can make it work!' His mind was screaming; no words could even begin to make their way to his mouth. He was pressed against the wall against this point, eyes fixated on Makoto, his poor Makoto who looked so lost, hurt. "Maybe we were wrong... Maybe you'd still be okay if you were in here... alone. I'm the reason being in here feels the way it does."
"But, I don't want to leave you." A reassuring sentence, a welcome phrasing of words. But, there was that sad, sad smile, and the facial expression that matched it so well. He could hear every breath from his friend, noticed every tiny movement, and feel the raw emotion radiating from Makoto. The shaky breath, the way it looked like he might bolt, might cry. "I just... I don't know what to do."
"You and I both." Was the instant mental retort; who knew what to do, who really knew. Clearly neither of them did, for each idea had failed at one fault or another. Haruka - still tense and disliking the whole surroundings and such - tilted his head so it rested against the wall, closing his eyes with a deep, unsteady sigh, followed by forced deep breaths. He still felt crushed, anxiety so heavy in his chest, but he was fighting to try and calm, to push back from the panic, to try and make this instance at least a tiny bit better. If he could show he wasn't as scared as he really was, then Makoto likely would stay. Well, Makoto would stay either way, but if he didn't try and get a grip on things, he'd be totally screwed as soon as the other went home for the evening.
His shoulders were firm, hands clenched, but when he opened his eyes to look back at Makoto, he had a forced indifferent look on his face, even if the rest of him said a totally other story. "I don't know what to do either." He whispered hoarsely in response, openly honest. He was going to try again. They were strong. This bad atmosphere could be ignore if they tried hard enough; even if the feeling of bricks didn't lay off. "But that's okay." He wanted to mirror that sad smile, but he felt he had used all those attempts, expression unchanging, eyes watching Makoto closely.
He was shaking. He was scared. He wasn't sure of the next course of action. But he knew one thing; they were in, and he was stuck. This had been his decision, and he knew he wasn't getting past Makoto, especially as the other had his keys, and was also taller and longer than Haruka, providing the other with an advantage. Even though he externally appeared calm, and he was working to get his mind to catch up, he still was trying to figure out whether it was a good thing to accept this or not. He wasn't going to be the one stepping in further, that was for sure, but he was pretty sure he had already given up on getting out, for the only idea he could come up with was windows, and that was borderline stupid.
He felt like he were on a roller coaster of emotions, thoughts and feelings changing at any given notice. Although that wasn't too much of a different thing - internally he was vivid of thought and emotion - but the inability to hide it was what gave him the feeling of up and down, the tight stomach, the terrifying feeling on each down. Even though Makoto could read him even on a good day where he could hide everything, this was different than his friend picking up on subtle things; this was a display.
One of his hands had found that loose thread on his shirt again, a nervous habit, and he rolled it between his fingers, trying to put focus on that, a distraction, a mind settler. He opened his mouth once or twice, but it closed soon after; he wasn't sure what to say, and while that wasn't new, it irritated him more than usual. At least focusing on trying to find words was taking away that panic. 'What do I say, Makoto? You're usually the one with the ideas. I don't know what to do, either.'
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 26, 2016 0:22:55 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Makoto watched Haruka as he seemed to take refuge against the wall. It made him feel as though he'd back him into a corner, and it stung to feel that way. Maybe he had been too forceful. His move was really bold, but he had just felt so out of options. He thought that if he'd gotten him in the house maybe he'd see that it wasn't so bad. Now Makoto was thinking otherwise. I made a mistake... He thought to himself, letting the pain seep in for doing yet another thing wrong. He wasn't Haru's best friend anymore. He was his worst friend. Everything that happened pointed to that outcome in his mind even if Haru would always be his best.
When Haru looked back at him, he was wearing a surprisingly Haru-like expression. Still, Makoto wasn't buying it. It was too forced. He felt good for a split second to know that he'd just read Haru once more reguardless of how broken his Haru-meter was, but it hurt to know that he was faking with him. Makoto was a hypocryte in that way.
I don't know what to do either.
Those words. They were the truth. He could read that too, and the aching in his heart felt a little bit better but instantly worse once more when he remembered just how bad everything still was.
But that's okay.
Was it? Makoto couldn't tell anymore. He had no idea one way or another. It didn't feel okay. Not in the slightest. He noticed Haru shaking, and Makoto's eyelids fell down as he took in a deep breath. That part had to be lie. He was on the same page. He had to of been, because his actions and words there didn't line up. Even if his face looked to be calm, the shaking gave it all away.
Makoto's eyes shifted away. "If you're thinking about going out the window... Don't bother..." He let out a soft sigh. "Or I'll..." He looked back at Haru, trying to come up with the words to say. He wasn't very good at threats. "I'll pull you back in by your legs." He tried to look serious. It hurt threatening anyone, despite how pathetic that sounded. Haru was fast in the water, but he was rather slow on land. He could catch him. Though, he really wouldn't have. If Haru wanted to get away from him that badly, he would have let him go.
He looked around the room, heart still broken as he tried to think of anything normal to say. "Do you want to..." His eyes fixated on the wall in the distance. "...um, order pizza or something?" He shrugged. Makoto still hadn't eaten, but he wasn't even hungry anymore, or at least that was pushed off. All he wanted to do was find a way to make Haru happy again. | | 480 words | x3 |
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Haruka Nanase on May 7, 2016 17:53:56 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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As Makoto made the empty - but hilarious - threat, Haruka found himself watching his friend silently, barely reacting to the thing that should've been super amusing. Later on would he laugh about it, and he was totally going to ask his friend how he read that off of him. But for now, there were higher priorities, and although it was clear that Haruka had heard the threat, he didn't make a show over that fact. He was making a conscious effort to take his attention away from thoughts that could bring back the panic, and instead was trying to put all his focus to the present, to making the best out of this all.
Makoto was glancing around the room, so painfully obviously trying to figure out what they could do next, and he was not meeting Haruka's gaze once again, which made him feel a bit sad, an emotion he wanted to suppress, hide, remove. "Do you want to...um, order pizza or something?" A peace offering, a means to try and connect, to create a new, better atmosphere. Even though Makoto did not seem too thrilled on the idea, it was an idea nonetheless. Although a part of him said it was a smart idea, he was far from hungry. But, on the flip side, maybe this was a subtle way of saying that his friend was hungry, and food was one of the best things to soothe negative things.
Although the though of pizza wasn't settling well, he decided after a few seconds that this was an offer he needed to accept. "Sounds good." Was his quiet response, as he hastily pushed away from the wall, and headed for the kitchen, only realizing once he had reached the room that his movements would've given off an angry feel to them, when all he felt was anything but anger. He was just tired, defeated, and his head was swimming. He could only hope Makoto would follow; he was pretty sure the other would, but who could be certain. 'I'm not angry anymore, Makoto. Don't take this the wrong way.' He thought dully, as he mindlessly searched the kitchen for his phone, completely clueless as to where he left it. The pressing feeling of frustrating was lingering again, and he gave a deep, tense sigh as he rested his palms on the kitchen table, putting some of his weight on them as he used it for support, staring at the table as he tried to think back to where he last had seen it, coming up blank.
"Makoto." He called out, lifting his head from scanning the table to locate his friend. "I don't know... Where my phone is." He admitted, face neutral. He couldn't remember taking it with them when they had left earlier, but that also felt hours, days, months ago. He was annoyed by this, feeling as if it were another chance to fix things that he was ruining, and he ducked his head to look down at his hands, pretending to be thinking, when all he felt was defeat and numbness. That reoccurring desire to curl up in bed and sleep was pressing hard at his heels again, and it took a lot to not just bolt and hide; he had to stay calm, to pretend that he wasn't bugged by any of this, by any of the stupid minor things that his mind was throwing out of proportion, just like the previous things.
Most of this all was not a big deal, but he found it increasingly hard to remain level about it once again, and the forced calmness he had put himself into in the hallway was threatening to break again. But he knew he had to be strong. Makoto was trying hard, and he was going to damn well try as hard as he could too. 'Everybody misplaces their phone. Makoto is not going to be mad at you for it.' He told himself. It was okay to be annoyed, he just had to stay at that simple emotion, and that was the challenge.
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on May 7, 2016 21:20:45 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Sounds good.
Makoto felt a bit relieved upon his agreement, but he wasn't entirely sure why as he'd watched Haru finally push off the wall and head toward the kitchen. Maybe it was because he felt that at least with food in front of them, the silence might not feel so bad. Eating was an excuse to be silent, even though Makoto had always been known for chatting up a storm with Haru during meals. He felt a little bad that he was looking for an excuse not to talk to his best friend. He was just so afraid to make things worse that he continued to act as though he was walking on eggshells.
Unfortunately, the relief was gone the minute he noticed how angry Haru seemed on his way to the kitchen. His simple push away from the wall was far to harsh, and it gave Makoto a sick feeling in his stomach. Something he'd finally felt he'd done right now just seemed so very wrong. It was apparent that he'd messed up again, and he had to force his lip from quivering. He was so defeated that he was just out of any options at all.
It took Makoto a few moments to respond, but he followed after Haru. His feet felt heavy as he picked them up in order to walk. All he wanted to do was collapse, but he continued to fight all of the negative energy threatening to consume him once more. In the current moment he could have argued that he was going to feel this bad for the rest of his life. He was almost sure he would if things didn't get better with Haru. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even realize Haru was obviously looking for something. He hadn't even been aware that he'd already made it into the kitchen until Haru's voice saying his name had entered into his ears. Suddenly he snapped out of it and looked toward Haru to see find out why he'd said it.
I don't know... Where my phone is.
He smiled at Haru blankly. Was that a lie? No. Haru wouldn't lie about something so simple just to avoid eating pizza with him, would he? "No problem, we can use mine," he decided to say anyways. Makoto reached into his pocket only to feel emptiness. With a frown he began checking all of his pockets. He looked over at Haru with a frown. "I'm sorry, Haru. I guess I forgot my phone today." He'd been in such a rush to get over here in the first place that he hadn't even thought about grabbing his cellphone. His eyes fell to the floor as he began trying to think of a solution to their current dilemma with the phones. One finally came to him, but he was almost worried to bring it up. After a long pause, he finally did so. "I can always go out and pick up a pizza." He was only worried that Haru wouldn't be here when he got back. He was afraid to leave him, feeling like the distance would be too traumatic given his current state of mind. | | 535 words | x3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on May 7, 2016 22:42:57 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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He could feel Makoto's gaze on him when he admitted to having lost his phone, staring down at his hands on the table. He had caught the smile before he had lowered his gaze, and that confused him. It was nice to see the smile, but it felt strange and almost unnecessary, and this was the causation of his confusion. He could sense the moment of thought before Makoto responded. "No problem, we can use mine." He could hear movement. More movement. But no words, and that was what prompted Haruka to raise his head, staring quizzically at Makoto, who was checking each and every pocket. 'Did he really forget his phone too?'
"I'm sorry, Haru. I guess I forgot my phone today." Yep, he had. Haruka closed his eyes with a rather amused sigh, finding that so very fitting, just like the doughnut muffin incident earlier. That was totally their luck on this day. 'What's next?' He mused internally, opening his eyes to stare back at the table again, and Haruka waited patiently for the inevitable following words; he didn't have anything to say anyways. 'And here I am needing him to make the decisions, once again.' It was the same repeat of emotions, over and over again; the bitterness was back, and as a result there was the frustration again. The irrational side of him blamed them coming back to his house, to the room where the flipflopping had begun, but he knew it was irrational. But, at the same time, it sort of made sense, for he didn't feel any better within the walls of his own home as he had outside, when one would think it'd be calming to be within their own place of safety.
"- always go out and pick up a pizza." Haruka missed the first few words, jolting his head up and gazing at Makoto, guessing correctly on what the first few had been, from the expression the other wore; concern. This hurt, for he didn't want to be the causation of worry, and he felt that it should be the other way, that he should be the one worried for Makoto, his Makoto who was struggling with the real world. His hands balled into fists on the table, but other than that he was expressionless, blinking once or twice before he responded.
"That'd work..." He said slowly, trailing off at the end, unsure how he felt about it. If Makoto left for a few minutes to get pizza, it meant he could go hide in his bed for a few minutes and try and gather some real bearings. But, on the flip side, Makoto might not return, and use the chance to escape. He didn't want out now; he was so wishy-washy on his thoughts today, but he knew that now he didn't want to leave. He pushed off the table so he was standing upright, feeling conflicted. "Do..." He paused. "Do you want to go alone? Or- Or do you want me to come?" He was giving Makoto the decision, and he was going to force himself to accept it whether he was happy with it or not. He then opened his mouth, closing it quickly, appearing to think it over before he opened it again. "I... Can wait here if you... Need a minute alone." He whispered the last bit.
This was a promise. The thought about the window was just a result of panic; at least that was what he kept telling himself. That was before. He just wanted to sleep now. He didn't even want pizza. Ideally he wanted to just sit down on the couch or something with Makoto, in silence, and wait out the awkward until it settled. But he knew his friend needed to clear his head, and he was quite sure he needed to find a way to do it too. 'And just think... You could be at a pool right now, this very second, if you hadn't screwed that up.' He frowned at his thoughts, distracted. 'Good going, Haru. Smart move. Probably could've been all fine and dandy now.'
No, not bitter at all.
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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Iwatobi Alum
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on May 15, 2016 15:34:24 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Do you want to go alone? Or- Or do you want me to come?
Makoto looked over at Haru, studying his face for a moment. He didn't want to trouble him, but even the fact that he asked brought a small smile to his face. He thought Haru would have been happy to finally get some time to himself. He assumed he only wanted him to stay, because it was what he was supposed to do or something like that. Makoto's readings were so off it was almost terrifying to him. He couldn't believe he was assuming Haru would be capable of something like that even if he did feel Haru didn't need him anymore. In his mind, Haru was basically already gone. Already in the Olympics with Rin at his side. Makoto was only holding him back for a few moments, forcing him to stay in this moment.
I... Can wait here if you... Need a minute alone.
The next part really got to Makoto. Was Haru giving him an out? Or... was he giving himself an out? Now he was really torn, his heart aching, completely unsure of what he was supposed to do here. He knew he needed to speak though, so a simple "Oh" left his mouth as he tried to give himself more time to come up with an actual response. That had probably been the wrong thing to do, but it still slipped out and was followed by a long moment of silence.
Makoto looked down, taking a deep breath, wallowing in sadness before he finally shrugged. This was just too hard. "You know what, I'm not hungry anymore. Let's just forget about the pizza." The words finally came, and they were a lie. His stomach was arguing with him, but he decided not to listen with it. He didn't know how to respond, so he figured this was the easiest way to do so. He was avoiding the issue all together, something even he was surprised he was capable of. | | 337 words | Sorry it's short in comparison!! |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on May 15, 2016 19:10:55 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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The one single word that left Makoto's mouth left a bitter taste in Haruka's mouth. He could read the sadness that was written all so clearly on his friend's face, and the tone of voice that the breathy word had escaped in, and he had known at once that his suggestions had been taken not as fully intended again. Or, perhaps they were, and he just wasn't picking up on that; it was hard to tell at this point. There was silence that continued to trek onward after that sole expression, and he remained silent, back resting against the counter, arms folding tightly over his chest, as he stared down at the floor for a few moments.
"You know what, I'm not hungry anymore. Let's just forget about the pizza." Makoto finally said, and Haruka raised his eyes hastily to meet the other's gaze, unsatisfied with that response. He could sense the lie in it, and he was starting to get impatient and irritated by all the circles they had trod in. He let out a deep, tense breath in immediate response, arms tightening themselves around his chest, as he narrowed his eyes, finally at the point where the annoyance was getting to him.
"Please, don't lie to me." He murmured with those negative emotions lingering in his tone; such a thing rather unintentional. But it was like the events prior; he was being impulsive, and he was reacting upon it. "This is stupid." He hissed, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation, making some sort of vague hand movements for emphasis. "We're literally going back and forth, in circles. It's never ending, and it's driving me crazy."
He was then moving away from the counter, fuelled by the annoyance and anger he felt, those emotions pushing away the feeling of weakness, the tiredness, weariness. "We need to fix this. Not later, not tomorrow." He stopped in front of Makoto, staring up, right directly into his eyes. "We need to fix this now." He was distantly aware he was shaking - the adrenaline rush from the sudden anger was strong - and that his stomach was swimming, chest tight; but he pushed on. "And I mean really, for real, fix this. We're not pushing this to the side and trying to forget about that. That idea clearly hasn't worked, and it will not work. We both know this."
He then backed off, inhaling a short breath through his nose, as he turned away, chewing on his lip as he paced briefly in the kitchen, eventually settling for resting his palms on the centre table again. "If we keep avoiding talking about this, it is going to be an endless struggle." His words were carefully chosen, each deliberate and with every ounce of honesty. It felt like he were choking on the words, his lungs robbed of their air, but if they were to get anywhere, he had to press on. If Makoto wouldn't, he would.
He felt sick to his stomach as he lowered his arms so his elbows were on the surface, resting his head in his hands. He knew that the other wouldn't leave on him, so he trusted Makoto enough to take his gaze off of him for a moment, so the other couldn't see the angry tears that laid in his eyes. "I don't want to keep going around and around, from good to bad, to good, to bad." He said forcibly, playing with a strand of hair.
He then slammed his hands down on the table, raising his head and finding Makoto, staring him down. He was well aware of the angry tears that had broke free, and began their trek down his cheeks. "And I know- I know you will say that it can't be fixed. But it can, it must be able to be fixed." Maybe he was just desperate to not let it go. He hated seeing Makoto so uncertain, so ready to pretend one thing over the truth. "I don't want the rest of our friendship to be tense and... Just... Bitter." He still had an angry tone to his voice, but he was also pleading.
He was pacing again, hands pressing on the sides of his face as he felt the stress of all he said weighing down heavily upon him. 'He's going to take this all wrong again. He's going to blame himself, and be angry, and leave.' He was sad, sad that this is where they had headed, where the simple visit had gone. 'How could something as simple as a small talk blow up into something as big as this? Why did I let it get this far?' He made his way back over to Makoto, and without a word or any indicator before the action, he went over, and wrapped his hands tightly around his friend, holding him tight as he buried his face in the other's shirt.
"Please don't go, Makoto." He murmured, voice having lost all its previous malice and anger, now just soft, and sad. "Not now, and not in the future. I want to be there- there to help you and be there for you, and hear all about your day whenever we meet up." He was rambling the things he should've truthfully admitted to long before now, before everything had gotten so complicated, so confused. "And I need you. I really, truly need you." He couldn't survive without his best friend, there was no way whatsoever.
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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