[haruka] tell me this friendship is forever

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Haru seemed to be accepting the gesture of his hand on his shoulder, and Makoto considered that a win, even if it was a super small one.  He moved his thumb back and forth a few times, his smile weakening as he thought about what must have been going on in his best friend's mind.  Haru was so quiet, and it was starting to scare Makoto.  Haru was always quiet, and it really shouldn't have been anything new, but this just felt... different in some way that he couldn't quite explain.  Makoto felt himself begin to shake just ever so slightly as the fear started flooding it's way back into him.  He did his best to control his body as he stared down at Haru doing his best to look as positive and reassuring as he could manage.

Even though everything that Haru had said earlier was finally making it's way to it's rightful place inside of Makoto's mind, he couldn't have felt worse inside knowing that he'd simply accepted it all a little too late.  So late in fact that he'd caused Haru pain that was obviously still lingering.  Negativity had an effect on others, and that's why Makoto always tried so hard to keep it inside.

A small smile was shown by Haru, but Makoto wasn't really sure how true it was.  Even if he had accepted his words, the words that Haru has basically tried to get out earlier in a different way, things had still gone a little too far to just vanish like Makoto had attempted to make them.  He understood that, and he'd only wished he'd gotten it sooner.

Honestly...  I'm not too sure about the muffins... Or the pool.

It stung.  Every inch of him flooded with the immediate feeling of rejection, and Makoto felt his breathing stop for a split second.  As soon as he caught it again, he removed his hand from Haru's shoulder and let it drop to his side almost lifelessly.  Maybe Haru was just too tired after everything Makoto had put him through.  That was the answer Makoto wanted for his questioning as to why, but he wasn't sure he trusted that to be the response anymore.  Makoto had just pushed him too far.  His eyes began to quiver as he searched Haru's face for the answer once more before letting them drop to the ground in defeat.

"You know," Makoto started, thinking about it.  "If you're not up for it anymore then, Haru, we can do this another day."  That wasn't what he wanted.  Not even close.  He wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of the day with Haru liked they'd only just planned, but he understood completely that Haru had changed his mind even if he couldn't be so sure about the exact reason.  He didn't blame him either.  Sure, it scared him and his mind was definitely slipping back into that dark place, but he would never want to force Haru in continuing on with a day if it was just too hard.

"We can just walk back to your place."  If Haru wasn't in the greatest of mind sets, he didn't really feel right letting him just walk back by himself.  Unfortunately, he couldn't be too sure Haru even wanted him to walk back with him.  He shrugged his shoulders, but swallowed hard and used all of his strength to force a smile back onto his own face before looking back at Haru.  The smile was supposed to say 'It's cool.  Don't worry about it.  I'm fine.'  He was doubting that was the message it gave off now.  He couldn't really be sure what was written on his own face anymore.  All he knew for sure was the disappointment and fear swirling inside of him were making him feel sick.  "And then I can go back to my dorm."

	Haruka Nanase	647 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE 'Makoto, no.' Instantly after the words had left Haruka's mouth, he knew that Makoto was taking exactly the way he had thought the other would, and it saddened him so much. He wasn't pushing the other away, and it frustrated him that he couldn't make it obvious enough without more explanation, without more words. He hadn't missed the slight shake that Makoto clearly fought to suppress, and the way his friend held his breath was another bright indicator that the other just wasn't catching on again. Makoto was usually so easy to pick up on the hidden meanings behind things; he could tell that the other was tired too, that he was just not as quick on the upkeep as per usual. That warm, welcome hand was dropped from his shoulders, and he couldn't help the disappointed frown that replaced his horrible attempt at a smile. He straightened his head, staring sadly as Makoto as the other's eyes showed the emotions within, hardly getting a few seconds before his friend broke the gaze, opting for the ground beneath them. It hurt, it hurt so much to see that defeated look back on Makoto's face, and he wanted nothing more than to take it away, to get back that smile that he admired; but he couldn't, he just couldn't. Every chance he had, he had taken it and destroyed it, and now he felt like he couldn't find that motivation to try again. "You know, If you're not up for it anymore then, Haru, we can do this another day." That was good - maybe? Haruka wasn't so sure. It didn't come off as Makoto taking his confession for an excuse to not spend time with him. But he knew that despite the calamity, despite the reassuring words, it wasn't as it appeared. He still wanted to spend the rest of this day with Makoto, to hear all the stories the other had promised; he did not want to wait longer for those. He wanted to know everything that had happened, to just sit there and hear the other speak. But how could he voice that, how could he make Makoto understand? "We can just walk back to your place." Makoto was so disappointed, that was such an easy thing to read from the half-hearted smile, the way his posture had slouched, the sadness that lingered behind that smile, that smile that was so fake, so not the one he wanted to see. Whatever Makoto was trying to get across with that smile, it was not working, for it just helped reflect the effort that was being put into this whole thing. They both had been trying so hard, still trying so hard, and once again it felt like everything was failing, that horrible, unwelcome feeling. "And then I can go back to my dorm." No, no that wasn't what he wanted to hear, not the sentence that he had been hoping for. He didn't even try to hide his own disappointment at the words, the slight bit of despair that crept up in the back of his mind. He swallowed hard, unwilling to let the frustration take him over. He didn't want to spend the day alone, it had been way too promising for him to just let it go like that; but he had already spoken his doubts about their previous plans, and he really, really didn't want to go back on that, unsure if he could force himself through it all. "Makoto, no." This time it was whispered out loud, hand subconsciously rubbing the side of his head, as he shook his head slowly, that ugly despair creeping in closer. He closed his eyes, much like a frightened child would; maybe, if he didn't stare down Makoto, he could miss all those subtle body movements that hurt him so. That jumble of feelings was pressing on his shoulders, heart heavy, stomach tight, feeling as if he were filled with lead. He had hurt Makoto again, and that guilt was so strong following that realization, and suddenly he was the one holding his breath, chewing on the inside of his lip as he searched for the right words to say, the sentences that would get across what he wanted to say, without making things worse. Though, honestly, he wasn't even sure if there were any at this point; he had already taken his chances so many times, and failed so hard at each of them. His chest, his throat so tight, he was so scared to speak, worried his voice would betray him. He was done, energy sapped, and even if he was saddened by his own decision to bail on the plans, he didn't have any regret now. "You... don't have to leave..." He was going to make it work; he was determined to keep Makoto by his side until the sun went down. Those stories were going to be heard, and he was going to see that smile again if it killed him. And if Makoto was hungry, he was sure there was something, somewhere in his house that would appease the other. He had opened his eyes, his tired, sad eyes, and was looking at Makoto again, desperately, wordlessly pleading that he would stay, even if it wasn't as exciting as minutes before. Haruka crossed his arms across his chest, fingers gripping his bare arms tightly as he looked off to the side, so scared to see any indicator he was going to be rejected spread across Makoto's face. He needed his friend by his side, and he was very sure that Makoto needed him by his side as well, even if he wasn't saying or doing all the right things. "I'm just... Actually tired." He was speaking so softly, it was a wonder his voice didn't get drowned out by all the background noise the city provided. There was not a hint of a lie in anything he was saying now; he was being totally honest. "I - I just don't feel..." He trailed off, unsure where to go with that, hoping the other would catch what he meant by it; and he still didn't dare look at Makoto. He could hear his own voice shaking just slightly, and he swallowed forcefully as he continued. "But... But I still want to hear..." A pause. "I want to hear everything..." He felt so vulnerable, and he hated it, he hated it so much. He could only guess this was how Makoto had felt during the heated debate earlier, and he could understand everything, where the anger, the fear, the hesitation had all come from. Admitting you weren't doing okay was one of the hardest things to do, and the both of them did it so rarely, it was no surprise it left such a heavy, dark feeling. He hoped Makoto would decide to stay. He could've even prayed and hoped so deeply that Makoto would stay. He needed his friend, and Makoto needed to just talk, talk and let the stories flow; if anything would calm everything down, he was betting on that. He didn't want to be alone. And more than anything, he just wanted to go home, even if they had hardly walked a kilometre. He was ready to turn in the towel. Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Makoto, no.

The two words were enough for Makoto to drag his eyes back up from the ground and to Haru's face to try and understand what they meant.  He was so unsure of everything right now.  After all the built up emotions, he wasn't sure he was sure of anything at all.  Not even the fake smile returned to his face to this.  He'd actually forgot to wear it for once as he waited for the explanation he wanted Haru's face to reveal.

It felt like he was going to be waiting a life time.  His face didn't give him any answers at all aside from telling him they were almost in the same boat for how much like crap they both felt.  A small sigh escaped his lips as he looked away from Haru for a moment, almost as if he'd given up.  At least on trying to read him any further.  For the first time, it was like he couldn't handle his own charade anymore.

You... don't have to leave...

Emerald eyes found their way back to Haru, and he tried to smile.  His lips actually quivered for a moment before they just dropped back into the previous frown his was wearing.  I don't have to... but do you want me to?  He wanted to ask it, plain and simple, but he just couldn't get the words to come out of his mouth.  That's when he caught sight of something in Haru's eyes.  It was an actual want to be around him, but he honestly couldn't be so sure that his own sub-conscious was making up what it wanted to see at this point.  It wouldn't have been the first time he'd forced a belief into his own head just to get past some unbearable emotions.  Instead of even trying to smile this time, Makoto just stared at him.  He was at a complete loss of words.  No possibilities on anything to say even bothered to flutter around in his head now.

I'm just... Actually tired.

Is that.... an excuse?  Makoto didn't want that to be true.  It didn't look like it was true, but parts of him were starting to believe that his Haru-radar was malfunctioning.  He'd pushed himself into a corner of disbelief that he couldn't seem to break free of.  His brain was telling him that Haru was lying, and that he just had to see past it.  He hated that he thought what he did, but he just couldn't stop himself.

I - I just don't feel...

Like what, Haru?  Like what?  He mind was pleading for him to finish that sentence, because Makoto couldn't even begin to finish it for him.  That scared him.  He was always so able to read Haru without any difficulty.  He felt like he always knew exactly what he was thinking, but at the current moment he couldn't have felt any further away.  His eyes trembled, and his arms folded across his chest.  It was closed off body language he was emitting now.  It was something Makoto couldn't remember ever doing before in his entire life.  So... why now?  Why was this moment here too much for him to handle?  You don't feel like what, Haru?  His mind was practically begging him for an answer, and he wanted to scream his question out loud.  Instead he just stood there, heart pounding as it waited to take yet another hit of rejection.

But... But I still want to hear...

The slight pausing after that statement sent Makoto's heart beat into over drive.  So many half phrases that he couldn't seem to finish.  It was making him feel like he didn't know Haru at all anymore.  The connection he prided himself on with the other boy was in jeopardy.  Now he was so scared that he'd lost it forever.  This wasn't like their past fight.  This was so much worse.  This was something far more intense and far more shattering.  What is going on inside of your head, Haruka?  He felt a tear roll down his cheek, absentmindedly.  He wasn't even aware he was on the verge of that whole disaster happening again.  Why can't I read you anymore?

I want to hear everything...

In reality Haru had only paused for a moment before finishing that sentence, but to Makoto it had felt like minutes.  The brunette took a step back.  A step away from Haru as his eyes still trembled while watching the boy look away.  He was so relief Haru couldn't see him right now.  See the look on his face.  The fear.  The worry.  The aching.  He was so confused by everything.  

Makoto turned his head and looked over the area.  He wanted to run.  He wanted to vanish from this entire situation and come back another day.  He needed a way out.  He couldn't do this right now.  He couldn't handle it anymore.  Is this what giving up feels like?  If it was, he didn't like it one bit.  His eyes went back to Haru, this time they were more frantic then ever.  Do I just... run away?  It seemed like the easier option right now.  Would that have ended it all though?  Unable to make a decision, he didn't speak.  Not a word even made it's way up his dry throat.  He just stood there, continuing to stare and panic inside of his brain.  This was a Makoto he'd never seen before, and it was terrifying him.  If he wasn't the Makoto that was simply Haru's best friend anymore, if he wasn't permitted to be that, who was he?  It'd been the role he'd taken for so long that it felt like his entire world was crumbling down at the thought of loosing it.

	Haruka Nanase	959 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE The moment he realized the silence was dragging on, was the place in time he realized he was being too vague. He heard the step back from Makoto, and this was when he finally shifted his gaze to look at his friend, hit with a pang of emotion and regret when he saw the single tear stain down Makoto's face, the tension in the other's body, unlike that he had seen before. Makoto had his own arms folded across his chest, but he was much more tense, and it looked like he was ready to either fight something, or flee. This was startling; he had never seen such a thing so prominent in Makoto. Usually it was one of the others that would get like this with confrontation or whatever he could call this entire day. He could see the panic, the fear in his friends eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to take it away. He couldn't help but clench his arms a little tighter, the subconscious motion almost as if he were trying to shrink up, to hide or disappear. If he could vanish from this spot, maybe he could give himself moments to think, to try and figure out what to say. Although, realistically, the lack of communication from Makoto gave him lots of time, but he didn't want it in that sense. It was so strange for Makoto to not say a single word in response, and he didn't want that, didn't like it. Makoto was almost intimidating, and he was at a loss for how to go about it, shown by the way he opened his mouth to say something more than once, only to quickly close it, now doubting every single option his brain gave him. He swallowed hard, abruptly looking away from his friend again, finding it was hard to stare at Makoto when the silence lingered so heavily, so pressing and dark. His stomach tight in half-suppressed emotion, his breathing short as he tried desperately to find a solution, an explanation, a way to get through to Makoto. Unwrapping his arms, he pressed them against his face, making a quiet groaning noise as he came to a blank. He ran his hands through his still damp hair, leaving them resting at the sides of his head, pressing his fingers to his temples lightly, exasperation so blatantly clear. He should've just turned and ran home when he had the chance, when Makoto hadn't noticed he was falling behind moments earlier. Now he was forced to deal with everything, the confusion, the fear, the inability to find the correct things to say to his friend. It was each event replayed over and over in his mind, the same feelings, the same regret. That same damn regret, every time. He couldn't focus, he couldn't deal with the emotions. The frustration was too high, the figurative pit of metal in his stomach and chest too heavy. He had nothing left to say, no way to explain to Makoto that it was not his fault, that he still wanted the other by him. He couldn't find the words to tell his friend, his best friend, that he just felt sick, that that tiredness he had tried to explain wasn't an excuse; it was so clear that it had been taken as such. Hands brushing over his face once more before they dropped, he was deadly silent, holding back the frustrated, strangled sound that threatened to erupt. He had messed up, again, so badly, so awfully. At this point he wouldn't blame Makoto if the other turned and walked away; his friend had tried so damn hard, the effort between the two had been so much, and he had to ruin it by dwelling. His eyes were wide, but he could not see; his mind was so occupied, distracted by the thoughts, the vivid throwbacks, and Makoto. He just kept seeing that smile he wanted to see, before it was replaced by fear, or sadness, or anger. He slunk down, sitting on a bench right off the sidewalk, where he put his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, defeated. He was past the point of caring what passersby would think. He just wanted to hide, to disappear, to give Makoto a chance to actually run before he said anything stupid once again. Although part of him silently screamed at Makoto to just go, while the opportunity was given; the other part wanted to pull him into a hug so tight that he couldn't escape, and never let him go. He would not voice either of these, not wanting to force an opinion, or give the wrong impression. He was breathing hard, willing himself not to cry. He wouldn't cry, he couldn't; it could be used as a forcible tactic, and he wanted to give Makoto a fair decision. He just couldn't wait for that decision to be made, when he could go home, lay down on the couch; whether Makoto wanted to be there or not was not going to be his choice. Hair tightly in hands, palms on forehead, eyes staring blankly down at his legs, he just wanted it to be over. He probably couldn't have huddled tighter if he tried, hoping that the smaller he made himself, the less he'd feel like he was being strangled. But it didn't help, nothing was helping, nothing was helping anything, and he was so helpless, useless. Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Haru took a seat on a close by bench, and thought Makoto knew he should have just gone to sit right next to him, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.  He didn't feel welcome anymore.  It was like he didn't belong next to Haru anymore.  It wasn't his place.  He'd never felt so alone.  So lost.  

Makoto took a few steps back.  In fact, he took so many steps away from Haru that he'd backed right into a building.  As if everything was caving in, his back slid down the wall until he was sitting down.  He brought his knees up and rested his elbows on them before entangling his fingers in his brown hair as he stared with trembling eyes at the ground between his legs.  He felt like a complete mess.  Like he was wrecked.  Like he had nothing left, and he couldn't understand why he was crumbling under the pressure.  He was freaking Makoto, he should have been able to handle this with a breeze.  Haru hadn't really done or said anything wrong.  He hadn't directly come out and said that he was ending their friendship even if he was sure that's what was now happening.  Even if Haru wasn't even aware of what was going on.  His breathing was heavy.  Makoto felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack.  His fingers were no longer just entangled in his head, he was pulling on it without even realizing what he was doing.  Silent tears continued to roll out of his eyes.  Makoto wasn't sure he'd ever cried so many times in one day since childhood.

Giving Haru space was the only alternative he could think of to actually running away.  It was taking so much right now not to just remove himself from the situation.  "Haru," he spoke through his quiet sobbing, unable to tell if Haru could actually hear him through the distance.  "What am I supposed to do?"  He knew how odd it was for him to be the one asking Haru for advice instead of just giving it where it wasn't even asked for, but he couldn't stop himself.  The amount of wrong he was feeling was endless, and he was seeking for an answer.  

He sniffled, taking a deep breath though the tears refused to stop.  "I think..."  His words were even quieter now.  "I'm afraid..."  He corrected himself.  "I'm afraid this is going to end up being goodbye."  He looked up, trying to find the other's eyes across the way.  It had only been two weeks.  How was that enough to tare down all of the years?  "What happened to us?"

	Haruka Nanase	444 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE He could hear the soft sounds of Makoto's steps, and those were the very sounds that caused him to hold his breath, that panic surfacing within him again. He had tried to prepare himself for Makoto to take the chance and leave, but he had never thought that Makoto would actually ever do it. It brought short-lived tears to his eyes, for they stopped after about ten, and he dared take a peek when they stopped, watching as Makoto slumped against a wall a short distance away. It hurt to watch, and he swiftly closed his eyes and ducked his head again, pressing his face into the heels of his hands, releasing the breath he had been holding, putting most of his focus on regaining somewhat of a normal breathing rhythm. He hurt, he hurt so deeply, Makoto's sad face ingrained in his head, replaying on an endless repeat, a horrible, horrible thing. It made him wish he had never answered the door; perhaps if things had started off like they used to back when, maybe that'd have set off a better stage for dealing with the emotions. Instead, he broke tradition, and he was very sure he was suffering from that. Well, from that and so many other things, there had to be so many reasons why karma was striking down so very hard on this day, this particular day with the person he didn't want to fight with, the person he cared so much about. He heard his name distantly - he was so focused on his thoughts and his breathing - and even through the multitude of distractions, he could hear the utter sadness in Makoto's voice, the way his voice quavered, how unsteady it was. "What am I supposed to do?" It was such an open ended question, should've been such an easy one to answer, but he had nothing. Absolutely nothing. And he was so angry, so bitter. 'I don't know. I really, just don't know. Don't ask me.' He clenched his jaw, fighting to not say something stupid out loud. "I think... I'm afraid..." It didn't sound good, there was absolutely no way this was going anywhere good. He had no positive thoughts about those four simple words. But even that didn't prepare him for the next statement to leave Makoto's mouth. "I'm afraid this is going to end up being goodbye." He was tenser than before, if that was even possible, breath held so tight he was dully surprised he didn't explode. This was the moment he felt the tears return, the ones he had tried so hard earlier to banish and keep away. His insides were so tight, and he felt so cold, so heavy; yet so light. He hardly even heard the next open question, so focused on what had been said before; he didn't even react to the question. He curled up tighter in on himself, burying his face in his knees and wrapping his arms so firmly around his legs, as if it could protect him, as if it could make the statement go away. "Please no." He breathed, hardly audible, choking on his words. "No, no, no!" His voice was suddenly raised, as pressed his face into his knees roughly, feet up on the bench at this point. This wasn't right, this wasn't it; he refused to believe that, he couldn't believe that. Or maybe, maybe it was, and he just couldn't process it. Either way, he was distraught, and feeling worse than ever before. "You can't go. This can't be it!" There was anger and sadness in his voice, but they were not as prominent as the fear, the absolute utter fear he felt at losing his best friend, the one person he trusted the most. He lifted his head rather violently, staring at Makoto with the emotions he felt all so clear on his face; any control he might have had over them was gone, finally gone. He wrapped his head with his arms, eyes wide, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. "Like you said... You said before, we can fix it!" He was frantic, desperate, weighed down with the fear of abandonment. "We have not gone through everything up to this point to just... To just..." He struggled to continue, chest heaving for breaths. It was like the Tokyo fight all over again; he was so angry, for no reason. "To just- throw it all away now!" He didn't care if he was causing a scene, if he was being dramatic; he couldn't stand the thought of trying to get through everything without Makoto. The two weeks apart from him - and the rest of his friends - had been so much harder than he'd ever admit, and he knew that he would survive very poorly without Makoto there to guide him. "Please don't go." And just like that, the anger was gone, and the sadness returned, and he was hardly breathing, vision blurred with tears. "I need you... I-I need you Makoto." Everything felt so wrong. He felt so sick, so lost, so troubled, and he was done holding back his words, his feelings. "The thing is, I didn't... I wasn't making excuses." He was trying to explain, to back everything up, trying to repair the bridges that had been burnt. "I...I want to spend the day with you Makoto. Today, and any day we can." He was breathless, speaking fast; but quieter. "You just... Didn't catch on. I was being too vague again and you didn't get it!" He paused for long enough to take a breath, trying to clear his spinning head, but did not give Makoto time to break in; he wasn't done. "I promise... I promise I wasn't trying to ruin the plans... To ditch you." He was staring at the wall behind Makoto, eyes distant, as he swallowed thickly. This was hard, one of the hardest things he had done, and he had hardly said anything he had wanted to and already his voice was closing in on him again. "I'm sorry Makoto, I'm sorry... I... I just want to go home... I don't... feel well." There, he admitted it. He finally found the words to admit something he hated to voice; he felt it was no ones business but his own how he was feeling, but he had to say it to get Makoto to understand what he had been trying to get at earlier. "But I don't want you to leave. Please don't go." He was begging, there was no denying of it. But at this point, it was one of the only reserves he had left. He was running his hands through his hair, a subconscious calming effort, knees tight to his chest, and still he found he was unable to look Makoto in the eye, once again. Such a reoccurring thing. He was so scared of what he may find if he looked at Makoto, as if his best friend might just vanish for real, disappear. All he could do was protect himself, and try to make Makoto understand. 'Don't go, please don't leave me.' Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Green eyes shot down, unable to look any more at the mess he had made.  Makoto knew that when he had said those words, he was going to be doing damage.  He just couldn't hold them in any longer, and it went against all the progress it had seemed like the two had made.  It was one damn sentence that was undoing everything, and he couldn't believe he was the one to say it out loud.  For so many years, every single day, Makoto kept himself by Haru's side.  He meant so much to him.  Hell, even his family loved him, constantly inviting him over for dinner.  The terrible twins never wanted him to leave.  Makoto and Haru.  Haru and Makoto.  That was the way it had always been.  It was so scary to think that there was probably going to be a day when it was just going to be Haru.  That would make him...  Just Makoto.  Who... is that?

No, no, no!

Makoto looked up rather abrubtly after the out burst of his raised voice.  What have I done?  It was the only thought he had to go with what he was witnessing out of the other.  He looked so defeated.  So destroy.  Makoto's heart was aching worse then before just by looking at him across the way so folded into himself.  He wanted to reach out, but his body refused to move.

You can't go. This can't be it!  Like you said... You said before, we can fix it!  We have not gone through everything up to this point to just... To just...  To just- throw it all away now!

Makoto's eyes widened, trembling as he watched the tears fall from Haru's eyes.  He looked like Makoto had driven him absolutely nuts.  The brunettes body began to shake as he listened to Haru's worse.  So angry.  This was so much worse then the reaction he'd gotten when he'd first told him he was going to Tokyo, back when neither of them thought Haru was going to be going to the same place.  Tears were streaming down Makoto's face, and he felt absolutely helpless.  He couldn't find any of his words.  He needed to fix it.  He needed to help.  He had to make Haru better, but every time he opened his mouth, nothing came out.

Please don't go.

Something was different now.  All the sadness seemed to be pouring into those words, and Makoto clutched on hard to the material of his pants, pulling his knees in like some kind of crumbling child.  His voice was shattering him, and he didn't know what to do.  You're supposed to be good at this stuff.  Right?  His eyes were fixated on Haru's face.  Or was that the Makoto and Haru version that was good at that stuff?  It was so confusing.  What is just Makoto even good for?  He was so mad at himself, angrier then he'd ever been before.

I need you... I-I need you Makoto.

No.  That wasn't true.  It was Makoto who needed Haru.  Haru had stopped needing him the second to last year of high school.  Makoto was the one who was clinging to him for a purpose now.  Why can't you understand, Haruka?

I...I want to spend the day with you Makoto. Today, and any day we can.  You just... Didn't catch on. I was being too vague again and you didn't get it!  I promise... I promise I wasn't trying to ruin the plans... To ditch you.

Why couldn't Haru understand that the fact that Makoto didn't catch on was a big part of the problem?  It only helped prove that the two of them were growing apart.  It only confirmed all of his fears from before.  It was only a matter of time before they were that dreading nothing to one another.

I'm sorry Makoto, I'm sorry... I... I just want to go home... I don't... feel well.  But I don't want you to leave. Please don't go.

"H-Haru...."  His voice trembled.  Haru wasn't okay on any level, and Makoto was the reasoning behind all of it.  He wasn't sure if he was every going to forgive himself.  It felt like he'd broken him in a way.  Makoto swallowed hard before he slowly forced himself up onto his feet, using the wall for support.  He felt weak.  His emotions had drained him.  Even slower movements followed as he dragged his feet over to were Haru was sitting on the bench.  Standing in front of him, tears rolling down his face, he leaned slightly forward and held his hand out to him.  He swallowed hard again and a weak smile finally took over his features.  "Come on.  I'll take you home."

	Haruka Nanase	789 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE His eyes slowly shifted from the wall to Makoto's face when he heard his name stuttered out, only able to study his heartbroken expression for a mere few seconds, before he had to look away, unable to take it, eyes resting on the plain, boring sidewalk that separated them. He had seen so many emotions that he felt reflected on his friend's face, and as the case continued to be, he felt bad. Even though he kept telling himself he should've gone through with the plans they had made, the realistic side of him said it'd have been no use, that temporary cheer was to be short-lived. It was a distraction, and a unpromising one at that. One of Makoto's familiar shoes suddenly came into his view, and out of habit he raised his head as the other slowly - painfully slow - approached him. There was so much hesitation in the other's stance and movements. He looked so sad, so tired, so lost; for the briefest of seconds he swore he was looking into some kind of mirror. He wanted to just go and give Makoto a hug, but he was rooted, unable to move, body too tired, too worn, to listen to his desires. He didn't even have the energy to wipe the tears from his own eyes - faintly embarrassed - as Makoto came to a stop before him, and of all things, held out his hand to Haruka. And then there was a smile. There was little life behind it, and he could not tell if it was forced or not, and it gave him such a sense of confusion, disorientation. He couldn't understand the process behind that, it did not match the rest of his facial expression at all. His eyes were too sad, face too tear stained, and he just did not get it. "Come on. I'll take you home." It was what he wanted, what he had asked for, but he was hesitant, for there were parts missing. This left no promises that he'd stay, that he wouldn't just drop Haruka off and ditch him. And this caused him to freeze up, eyes darting across Makoto's face as he tried to decide if he dared take that major risk. He wanted to ask if Makoto was going to stay once they got there, but his voice evaded him, and he just gave Makoto a sad, but hopeful look. He didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want Makoto to be left alone until things were a bit calmer. He did eventually reach out and take Makoto's hand, but he made no visible effort to move, frozen to the bench. He felt so worn, as if he had swam hundreds of kilometres in an hour. Or at least, he could only guess that would be close to what he was feeling. He wanted to go home, but he didn't want to go and put effort into it. But he was damn well going to try. If Makoto could put on whatever that smile was, and come over and at least pretend there was some sort of normalcy, then he was going to let that determination lead him on. His grip on Makoto's hand tightened drastically as he slowly brought his knees away from his chest to the ground, feeling hollow and exposed as he sat there, not moving past that attempt. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in, coming to also realize that he was shaking, tightening his grip on Makoto's hand again as it threatened to slip. He wasn't letting go. He had Makoto now, and he just couldn't let go now. He tried to mirror that smile, but his expression hardly changed. He slowly rose from the bench, breathing sharply through his nose, surprised at how fast his body had relaxed when he sat down, and how it hurt to move after being so tense. It was no wonder he had heard so many complain about the physical pain that emotional times brought; he understood in a whole new way now. He hurt, he was dizzy, he was still carrying that heavy feeling so resemblance of a lead interior; that overwhelming desire to sleep everything off was back. He finally managed to pull off one of the weakest smiles he had ever attempted. The tears had since stopped, but their trails remained ever present. All the feelings from before still lingered darkly on his face, but there was also hope, relief, and thankfulness. "You're staying?" He finally managed to get out the all important question he wanted to ask, the thing of biggest importance to him at the moment. He just wanted his best friend close, even if things would be tense, even if they were wordless, or Makoto rambled endlessly. He just wanted to hear his friend's breathing, to have him close for as long as the day allowed. Even though he would understand if Makoto backed right out of there, his fingers were figuratively crossed. Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Makoto waited in painful suspense to see if Haru was going to accept his hand.  It felt like time was dragging on as slowly as it possibly could, and it stung him to think that there was a huge chance here that he was just going to refuse it all together.  He wouldn't blame him.  Makoto was making an effort, or at least he thought he was.  He honestly wasn't sure what he planned on doing once Haru was back at his own place.  He wasn't sure if staying was a good idea.  It's not like he wanted Haru to be alone in such sadness, but he felt like he was just so damn useless to Haru.

His eyes stayed locked onto Haru's face as he continued to wait to see what the other was going to do.  If he didn't take it, would that just prove that all of this was over?  All of the years they'd spent growing up together were just supposed to fade away?  His smile began to quiver as he had trouble holding it and more tears drizzled down his cheeks.  His eyes were red now, and he couldn't stop sniffling.  He felt like he was acting like such a child, but he couldn't control himself anymore.

The sad an hopeful look in Haru's eyes was still confusing to Makoto.  He couldn't read him.  He was just so damn clouded.  He wasn't sure if he was only imagining the little bit of hope behind all the sad.  Makoto had no idea what was going on anymore.  The only thing he knew for sure was that it was painfully obvious they were both absolutely miserable.

Makoto felt Haru's hand in his own, but he couldn't manage to look down or move yet.  A little bit of hope ran through him, but it was completely snuffed out by his dark thoughts.  Maybe Haru was just sparing him the pain of rejection, but he'd been so hurt that he handed actually wanted to take it.  He felt Haru's grip tighten after, and he would have began to pull him up, but Haru didn't seem to be budging other then a slight shift in how he was sitting.  His grip got tighter still, and Makoto couldn't help but respond by tightening his own as well.  He was desperate to hang onto their friendship, thinking that as long as he had his hand, their friendship was still real.  Makoto could actually feel Haru shaking, and it causing his own trembling to begin once more.

He didn't care about the people passing on the sidewalk.  He didn't even notice him.  In this moment it was just him, his best friend, and a whole lot of heartache.  Finally Haru started moving, and Makoto attempted to help pull him up as he did.  A weak smile took over the other's face, and Makoto's lips quivered down until they were in a straight line once more.  He could no longer mimic any of his usual happy faces.

Then Haru asked his simple question and Makoto stood there in silence for a moment, still gripping his hand as he tried to decided what would even be best.  It took several seconds before he shook his head.  "I... don't know, Haruka."  He attempted to let his hand slip out of Haru's.  Do you want me to?  He couldn't seem to even ask the important questions out loud anymore.

	Haruka Nanase	572 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE He was so thankful when Makoto gave some of his own effort, and helped pull him up from the bench. It helped steady his shaking legs, and give him a sense of grounding. But that tiny smile that had crossed Haruka's face during it didn't last long, such a brief encounter, dropped almost as soon as he seemed to realize that Makoto wasn't going to return it. Maybe it was more broken than he thought; he wasn't sure. It was unsurprising, really, as he had noticed so clearly that Makoto was struggling to come to terms as well; Haruka had not missed his friend's own shaking, and it was really hard to ignore the quietness, or the unhappy face. There was no immediate answer to his short question, and during those few seconds, his breath was held again - he was doing that a lot it seemed - the seconds feeling like they were stretching on way too long, ready to bring his hopes crashing down. "I... don't know, Haruka." He didn't even notice the use of his full name, the thing that usually irritated him more than anything on a regular day. His mind was more focused on the three words prior to his name, the half-rejection, one of the answers he feared. It was almost worse than a straight up no; this was uncertainty, a lack of trust, a loss of closeness. When Makoto made the subtle attempt to remove his hand, he gripped onto it tighter than over, almost letting out a sound in protest, but holding his tongue at the last minute. 'No - Please don't. Don't let go.' His mind yelled, as he refused to let his friend go. He was set now. Makoto had made the choice to come over, when he had the chance to go away, and he wasn't letting him go now. Haruka stared into Makoto's bright, sad green eyes, with a pleasing expression. 'If you go, this might be it. Don't do that to yourself.' His mind spoke so clearly, pressing through the fog that had been settled. He grabbed onto Makoto's arm with his free hand, forcing him closer by the way he was basically using the other as a support. The other hand remained tightly gripped, despite the trembling, the shaking. "Stay. Please." He whispered, finally giving in, and resting his head on Makoto's shoulder, closing his eyes and achieving some sort of side hug without all the elements of a real hug; scratch that, he was basically just leaning on his friend. His energy was gone again, sapped, no sugary doughnut or promise of pool to provide a rouse. He still blamed some of that for his unwell feeling; none of the blame was on Makoto, even though he was very certain the other was quietly placing it all on himself again. "I mean it." Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Makoto's eyes widened in a bit of surprise when he tried to slide his hand away and Haru simply grabbed on tighter.  He hadn't been expecting that.  He just assumed Haru was going to give up on their close encounter and let him go.  He hadn't expecting him to be holding onto the thing that he was only seconds away from giving up.  It almost gave him a twinge of the hope he didn't think would make it past the darkness that kept snuffing it out again and again.  He stared at Haru, still as sad as before but also with some mixed in confusion now.

Haru grabbed onto his arm, and Makoto just stared at him.  The trembling between the two of him made it surprising that they didn't just collapse from all the nerves that were clearly circling around the pair.  He began searching for an answer in Haru's eyes once more, wondering if maybe he did want him to stay.  Makoto just felt like such a bother at this point that he didn't know what to do.  He didn't know what to think, and he certainly didn't know how to act anymore.

Stay. Please.

Makoto's heart skipped a beat as he heard the words he'd wanted to hear from his friend even if he was having his doubts about it.  They were just enough to make the sad smile return for a brief second before disappearing again behind quivering lips.  Makoto leaned into Haru slightly as he put his head on his shoulder as if he were afraid that he might have fallen if he hadn't.

I mean it.

There his heart went again.  Sinking so far down it threatened to drop out of his chest.  He should have been the one saying these things after everything he'd put him through.  A small sigh escaped his lips as he looked ahead and onto nothing out in the distance, Haru's dark hair in the corner of his eyes.  Makoto slowly lifted a hand, a gesture that was harder then he thought, and placed it on Haru's back, unable to keep from comforting him in some type of way now.  "Okay," he responded simply and quietly, knowing the other would hear him from how close they were now.  "I'll be here... until you tell me to go."  There were words that if this had been two weeks ago he'd of had no doubt in his mind he would've stuck to them.  Even though the chances were with his given personality he would, there was a hesitant feeling inside of him.  He smiled weakly, still trying to search for himself within all of this sadness.

	Haruka Nanase	445 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE Haruka could feel Makoto shift after he had murmured his thoughts, the gaze he had felt on him removed momentarily. He was so, so very glad that there were no more attempts being made to remove the hand he grasped so dearly; it was such a relief, a breather. He felt numb, but this was a good type of numb; he was numb with relief, a warm feeling he had been searching for so greatly since they had left his apartment. It was a calming feeling, now that his emotions were settling again. Leave it to Makoto to make him believe everything was alright for a few moments. He could've laughed. He felt the other's hand rest on his back following a hesitated movement. He could tell how nervous Makoto was about it, and he appreciated the gesture so much. "Okay, I'll be here... until you tell me to go" It was hard not to feel anything positive from this; he instinctively smiled for a second, more relief flooding in. He had caught the uncertainty lingering at the end, but it was an attempt, and that was what counted. It was enough of a promise he felt he could hold Makoto to, and he enjoyed that. "Good." Was he still bitter and angry at himself for the lack of help he had been? Absolutely. But he was going to try and not actively focus on that in a way that could disturb this new progress they had made. He couldn't tell if it was any better than before, but he didn't care. He had Makoto by his side, and that was what he wanted. It likely would last for a long, long time, but eventually, eventually they both would hopefully get over this bump. After all, it was only one day in a span of many potential days. And he had heard the next was going to be just as bright outside as the current. He opened his eyes, blinking a couple times to adjust, taking a deep, inaudible breath as he released Makoto's arm - but not his hand - and lifted his head. The bag he had dropped what felt like forever ago was within his reach, and he slowly picked it up, feeling a wave of sadness at what could've been. 'We could have been at the pool now...' He thought bitterly. 'But you had to get overwhelmed again.' A mental sigh; there were other days, was what he had to keep telling himself. The pool would always be there. And even if he couldn't have the pleasure of being the first person to show Makoto, he could still have the joy of swimming with him when they were free. The arm holding his bag was limp at his side as he thought, now being shifted so it rested on his shoulder as it had before. It felt heavy, bulky, unwelcome to his tired arms, but he refused to get help from Makoto. Makoto had enough to deal with; he could carry his own damn bag. "Come on.." He muttered, gently tugging at Makoto's hand once, shooting a glance at his friend - his best friend - and although he couldn't manage a big smile, he was able to mirror Makoto's own weak, worn one. He couldn't wait to get back, to rest, to lay down, to calm down with one of the most important people in his life. "Let's go." Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Makoto felt cold as soon as Haru let go of his arm, and was more greatful then he'd thought that Haru kept hold on his hand.  It made him feel like the distance wasn't starting up quite so soon.  He wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it if he'd let go quite so soon.  Everything already felt so horribly wrong that in a way he felt it would be another form of giving up.  It was an extremely stupid thought, but his mind was being completely irrational.

He felt the sudden urge to help him as he lifted his bag up, but didn't do so in fear of over stepping whatever boundaries it now felt like there were between him.  Boundaries that had never been there before.  Helping Haru had been an instinct, one that he was now fighting off for whatever stupid reason.  Everything just still felt so wrong.

Taking the tug of his hand as a queue, Makoto nodded before beginning to walk.  He still hadn't let go, feeling as though they were children once more and it was just a natural thing for them.  He felt like that same little boy who needed to lean on Haru for all of his support again.  As he walked, he didn't turn to look at Haru, he just couldn't face him.

Makoto did his best to clear his throat, sounding coarse as he did so.  "H-Haru," he spoke his name again, wanting to ask him if he was still sure he wanted Makoto to come with him, but decided it would be better left unsaid.  Instead, he thought of something else a little more... awkward to say.  "Thank you... for letting me come with you."  They weren't very far away, and it wouldn't take long to get there, but he was almost savoring the walk as if the turn of events was going to make it their last walk together.

	Haruka Nanase	321 words
	:3

pyxis ★

[Haruka Nanase]

haruka nanase ,

APPLICATION, PROFILE Finally, finally the pair were moving again, a slow pace, a turtles pace compared to the rush that never stopped in such a central city. There was no mind paid attention to such by haruka, however; all of his attention was turned inwards, focused on himself, and his friend, whose hand he held as tight as he dared, feeling as if it were one of the only things he could cling onto at this moment. It was almost like a grounding tactic, a way to keep his head focused in the now and then, and it greatly made him wish he had taken that much earlier, before they had stopped when he spaced out. Makoto was quiet, and as always that bugged him; but he had nothing to say, nothing to ask about, even lame small talk evaded him. He had initially taken the lead as before, but within moments he was right beside Makoto, eyes on the ground, shoulders slack, tired, and rather depressed. Harukla suppressed a deep, sad sigh, opting for just a deep inhale and exhale through his nose, briefly closing his eyes as his mind lay scattered. Eyes opening when he heard his name murmured, not raising his head or making much indicator he had heard the other; but he had heard Makoto as clear as a bright, sunny day. "Thank you... for letting me come with you." It sounded like such a strange thing to say, and he wasn't sure how to respond, and not responding for a good ten steps. 'What do I say back?' His mind asked, and his eyes darted on the sidewalk as he anxiously tried to think of something to say back, fingers shifting - but not removing themselves - in their shared grasp. He couldn't come up with anything as twenty steps went by. Free hand pulling absently at a loose thread at the bottom of his shirt, he was practically counting down the steps before they reached his place, before it would be too late to appropriately respond to the statement. His mind was feeling foggy again, and his body was tired, and he was at a total lack of any verbal response. He eventually looked over and up at Makoto, hoping to find his eyes, to let the other know he had heard him, and that he appreciated what had been said. He looked up very briefly, just long enough to catch Makoto's eyes if he happened to be looking his direction, and then he shifted his gaze back to the ground again, staring at the boring, repeating sidewalk. But that boring, repeating sidewalk was nice, such a blank state that it could be given all focus, and little thought; not that he had little thought going on in his head. No, it was still wild running, yet distant, as if he were hearing someone else's thoughts. He was lagging behind a bit, slowing their progress to his home, but he wanted to make the walk last, to enjoy the time with Makoto - even if the tension was high - and he was drained. He had a legitimate excuse for his slowness, and he was hoping that Makoto wouldn't take it the wrong way; he wasn't hesitant, he didn't want to turn the other away, it was the complete opposite. He wanted Makoto close, as close as they had been as kids, adolescences, teenagers; this hesitated silence was so different from the silence he was used to, and it was throwing him off so much. Then they were there. That short walk, the minor distance. His place of residence was before them, and he felt a sense of returning panic within. He hoped that Makoto had been serious in coming back, and staying with him; he wanted his friend, needed his friend. And he was sure his friend needed him too. And so, he froze before his door, the keys he hadn't realized he had dug out cold in his hand, a thread once belonging to his shirt tangled within its rungs. He had such a sudden intense worry that opening the door was going to lead to something big; that was where everything had started, where he had failed at comforting his friend, where his suggested idea that he backed out of had been formed. He wasn't ready to go back; that idea of laying on his once comforting couch was gone, and replaced by pressuring anxiety. Knuckles white as he gripped his keys, breath held deep in his chest, he found he couldn't do it, he couldn't will himself to open the door. The keys in his hand were like ice, piercing his skin, and all he could do was hold them tighter, the metal digging into his skin, sharp, unintentional. 'I can't do it- I can't go back in there. It's too soon, too soon.' His mind was in panic mode, although externally he just looked blank, unfocused, withdrawn from reality. A common thing for him really, but uncommon was the time and place. 'It's going to make things worse. There is bad in those rooms right now, so bad.' His hand was tightening on Makoto's, the only way his stresses were displayed; he could only distantly hope he wasn't harming Makoto with it. He was staring at the plain white door, the thing that usually brought him some sense of relief after a long day; now it just provided fear. He hadn't realized he was fearing coming home so deeply, and now he was stuck. He had begged Makoto to come back here, and now he found he wasn't sure where he really wanted to go, where he felt at peace, where things could settle. Feeling lightheaded from holding his breath for such a time, he exhaled sharply, suddenly appearing to snap into reality and shooting his head toward Makoto, face stoic, eyes wide. Even though he didn't speak it, his face read only a simple phrase, one only his close friends could decipher, for to the average eyes he looked blank, uninterested. 'Help me, Makoto.' He couldn't make that final step and enter, he just couldn't be the one to initiate that. Makoto Tachibana

jellyfish princess @ adox

[Makoto Tachibana]

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Makoto's heart was pumping rather quickly as though it was signalling him that he needed to be aware.  He was afraid that at any moment he was going to make the wrong move and upset Haru in some way again.  He couldn't see him cry, not again.  He was trembling, unsure of himself in so many different ways for so many different reasons.  He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to forgive himself for putting their friendship in such jeopardy even if he was unsure about it in the first place.  

Haru's lead was over and he was already walking beside him.  Makoto continued to hold onto his hand, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, sinking deeper into depression every time he did so.  Haruka's weak and tired expression was draining Makoto himself.  It was sucking him dry of all happiness to know that there was nothing he could do to make him feel better.  He was so exhausted that it felt as though someone shot him in the heart.  The only reason he was still trying at all was for the sake of his best friend.

Every time he felt even a single shift in Haru's fingers on his hand, Makoto wondered if he was going to pull away.  He wanted to feel close to him right now, and being as they were was some of the only comfort he was getting.  The air was just too harsh and felt so much colder than it actually was.  Makoto wondered if maybe he should pull away regardless, feeling that he had no right to be anywhere near him and get any comfort at all after making him feel the way he had.  He was failing as a best friend.  There was nothing he could do to make this better.  He'd fallen down the rabbit hole and pulled Haru right along with him.  He felt like he'd broken him.

Haru had finally looked up and met his eyes for a brief moment before letting them fall again, and Makoto was pained by that.  Even looking at him made Haru uncomfortable now.  He'd really done it this time.  His hand absentmindedly tightened around Haru's to go along with the feeling he'd gotten inside.

Haru seemed to be slowly down, and Makoto slowed his own pace to compensate.  He didn't want to end up pulling Haru along with him if he was unwilling to continue.  He somewhat wondered if Haru planned to stop all together and dismiss Makoto in favor of going home alone.  He wondered if he was going to change his mind.  He just couldn't read what he wanted anymore, the thought of that still haunting him.

Even though the walk was dragged out a little, they still made it to Haru's residence in what felt like no time at all.  Haru stopped in front of his door, and Makoto stood next to him, lips pressed together tightly, just waiting for him to open it.  Maybe I should just leave...  Even if Haru had said he could stay, there was a chance that maybe he'd just wanted to be alone now.  That could have been why he'd been walking slower, just drained and dreading his future company at his home.

A moment had passed and they were still standing in front of the door.  Makoto looked down at Haru, confusion all over his face.  Haru's hand tightened around his own, and suddenly he was far more concerned then he even was a moment ago.  "Haru?"  He questioned in a soft, quiet voice.

Haru looked over at him, and Makoto's own eyes widened.  He couldn't stand seeing him so confused, so scared.  Makoto's hand tightened, and he prayed he wasn't hurting him, but he just couldn't help it.  Their grips were intense.  "It's alright, Haru..."  He spoke, and then pressed his lips together.

Makoto looked back at the door, then at the keys in Haru's hand, and then at Haru's face once more.  Taking in a deep breath, he reached forward and attempted to grab the keys out of Haruka's hand.  Then he put them to the keyhole, turned it quickly, and then held the keys in his one hand while opening the door at the same time.  Dramatically he yanked his hand out of Haru's, putting on arm underneath his arm and then another arm around his waist as he attempted to lift Haru into the air and over his shoulder before walking in through the door.  His face was far too serious, but he wasn't sure Haru could make it in on his own, not with the face he'd given him.

	Haruka Nanase	778 words
	:3

pyxis ★