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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 3, 2016 11:29:23 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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He could just barely hear the other whisper his name, before the silence dragged on again. There was so much of that, of the uncertainty that followed each sentence, so much of the tense silence that he hated. There was a difference between a mutual, comfortable silence, and this. Each time they left the silence between thoughts, he felt so alone, so scared, as if Makoto were leaving then and there, and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Don't cry... Please..." The sarcastic side of him wanted to blurt out that it was too late for that, but he held his tongue, not daring to speak, unwilling to turn around and face his friend. He felt embarrassed that he had been caught in a moment of weakness, and he felt so defeated on the part of comforting his friend. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen..." The other's words hurt, that was the only thing he got from them; they were going in circles, and he had a feeling that they were going to get absolutely nothing out of it. 'Whether either of us meant it, it's done.' He thought dully, as he willed his own tears to stop, conflicted, trembling with the remaining suppressed emotions.
"I just... It's just that I... I-I..." Makoto was the one struggling for words now, and this was the moment Haruka dared turn round and look back at him, finding just moments later they were face to face again. "H-how can I fix this?" He wanted to hide, to bury himself in the covers of his bed, and not come out for the rest of the day. He didn't even know how to respond to that open-ended question, not even responding with his usual shrug.
"I shouldn't have even come today. I-I knew I was upset, but I came over anyways. I could have done it tomorrow, but I just-I just had to see you today." Didn't Makoto realize that he wasn't blaming his friend for coming over when he needed someone to listen? It frustrated him that Makoto still seemed to be thinking that he wasn't deserving of anyone's time, and that he could solve all of his problems by himself. But, he still didn't dare speak, not trusting his own voice, and so he remained silent yet, the tears still slowly leaving his eyes, his body, his emotions so confused.
"C-can we just... eat the muffins, Haru?" The muffins. One of the first things he had been greeted by when he had opened the door for Makoto. The second best thing, next to seeing Makoto. "Then we can talk like normal. I can tell you about everything. I can tell you about running into Rin and about how he finally told me about some of his life in Australia... I know he shared it all with you, but still... And I-I can tell you about Sous- Yamazaki. I ran into him not too long ago in the hallway, and I-I just... He was..." He could almost laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation, the bundle of emotions the two bore - Makoto was in tears again, poor guy - and it was actually a bit of a challenge to not react in that unexpected way. The truth is, he'd totally love to hear about Makoto's run ins with the two named, but he knew, and he had a feeling Makoto probably knew; it was going to be a bit of an awkward experience. But, at the same time, probably a good thing to ditch this whole mess while they had the chance.
"Can we just start today over? I screwed up.... Worse than I ever have with you... I made a mistake. We're stronger than this. I know we are." Makoto was staring at the floor for a minute, and Haruka took that opportunity to hastily wipe his eyes, and take a deep breath, trying his hardest to regain composure. He was being given the golden opportunity, and he didn't want to throw it all away. This meant he had to carefully think over what he was going to say, how he was going to respond.
But then he was laughing, that urge had broken free, and he was almost hysterical, leaning back against the counter as he rubbed his face with his hands. Boy, was he getting all the extremes of emotions today; but honestly, how else was he supposed to react? He wasn't able to just go 'okay', he just didn't have that in him at the moment, even if that was the gist of what he wanted to say, to get out. He wanted to hear everything, to eat the muffins, and to forget about it all, but it seemed he just had to get this out of the way first, and he hoped that Makoto wouldn't take it wrong.
Moments later, he forced a deep breath, and gave direct eye contact to his friend, and he nodded slightly, agreeing finally to Makoto's speech. "Yes, please." He whispered, voice breathy, shaky. He wasn't going to totally ruin the chance. "I'd l-love to start this over." With a million fingers crossed he hadn't blown it; he was getting his composure back, he was ready - well, as ready as he could be with a tear-stained face, a trembling voice, and shivering body. "Lets... Lets eat the muffins..."
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 3, 2016 12:48:47 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Makoto pressed his lips together rather harshly, stunned at Haruka's sudden outburst of laughter. His response was unexpected, and something inside was telling him that he was laughing at him. Why wouldn't he be? Makoto was acting ridiculous. He sounded pathetic, and above all, he sounded desperate. Haru had every reason to laugh at him. At the same time, however, this was Haru. And he just couldn't believe that would be the reason why he was laughing. Even if their friendship was going to fade away, there was no way he would have ever been so cruel as to laugh at it.
Then the laughing came to a stop. Haru was agreeing to start this over and eat the muffins. It was more then Makoto could have asked for. He wiped the still falling tears away with the back of his hand and took a deep breath. This was good. As long as he didn't ruin it this time, everything would be alright. Makoto took the bag of muffins he'd set down somewhere along the way and opened it. He looked down into it, and stared for a moment to long. The corner of his mouth started to twitch. Then a smile took over his expression. A second later, and a chuckle escaped him. A full on laugh followed it. Apparently Haru's giggle fit was contagious, because Makoto just couldn't stop himself.
He cleared his throat when he finally felt he'd finished laughing and held the bag out to Haru. "This is really just our luck today." He expected him to take it to figure out that there weren't any muffins. They were donuts, something he highly doubted was approved for Haru's training diet. He smiled at Haru. Makoto looked tired and defeated, but his smile was real this time. There was a chance he'd just finally cracked, but it didn't matter. He wasn't even sure if things would be able to actually return to normal, but he was going to try his hardest to fix it all.
Then he paused for a moment again. "Do you want... to go somewhere?" Maybe if they got out of this room things would clear up a little. The room was feeling suffocated by the amount of emotions that had spewed out. Maybe if they left, got some fresh air, things would feel a little less forced. Makoto might feel a little less crazy, and it might make Haru feel a little better. That was all he could really hope for.  | | 418 words | :3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 3, 2016 13:13:47 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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Haruka had not missed the very unimpressed face Makoto wore when he had burst out laughing; it was very clear to tell that it had come off so suddenly, and so wrong, but he knew that Makoto was a smart guy, and he would figure it out rather quickly that he was not laughing at anymore, but more just at the absurdity that was the situation. Did he feel bad about it? Oh yes, most definitely. But he had not meant any harm by it, especially as where it was completely and totally unintentional. That face the other wore didn't do much to help that guilt that had yet to be washed away, but he could see that after a moment it was fading a bit, and that made him feel a bit better inside.
Then Makoto was picking up the muffins, after Haruka had agreed to rekindling things and starting on square one, with those very muffins. He had been expecting his friend to reach in and grab one, then pass the bag over; not the laughing fit that erupted from Makoto when he had peered into the bag. It was Haruka's time to be stunned, face revealing his confusing, eyebrows raised in question as his mouth cracked into the tiniest of smiles. He had no sweet clue what was funny, but there was that laugh he realized he had missed so much. 'IF he's laughing because they're already stale... That's not funny.'
"This is really just our luck today" That only made him more curious, and he took the bag from Makoto with little hesitation when it was held out. He was greeted by some nice, brightly coloured donuts, such an opposite of a contrast compared to everything that had happened, and he couldn't help by chuckle at the sight of such a sugary, wonderful treat. He shook his head with a sigh, and took one out, handing the bag back to Makoto, returning the smile with a gentle, real one of his own. He could see the exhaustion he felt mirrored on their other's face, but at least, finally, that was a real smile that Makoto wore as well. Finally, finally they were getting somewhere.
He took the pause to take a bite from the bright yellow doughnut, finding the treat very welcome after all the healthy stuff he had been working on for the past two weeks. "Do you want... to go somewhere?" He returned his gaze to Makoto - realizing he had been staring at a wall for a good ten seconds - and after a bout of hesitation, he gave a slow nod, liking the idea the more that he thought about it. There was almost nothing that fresh air and bright sunlight couldn't fix. And he knew from that bright sunlight that had poured from his bedroom window that the weather was nice, and welcoming for some calming times.
"Good idea." He mused quietly. "I probably should get dressed then." It would sure be nice to get in some nice, warm, dry clothes, and that made him all the more welcome to the idea of getting out of his apartment for a bit. It was only nice to be damp for a certain amount of time; now he was just cold.
"Where were you thinking?" The words flowed easily now, much to his own internal surprise; he was going to blame it on the doughnut, or perhaps that he was ready for a change in scenery. Oh, was he ever ready for a change in scenery. There had been too many emotions, embarrassments, misunderstandings in his little kitchen, and he needed out.
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 3, 2016 13:37:23 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Even though they weren't exactly the promised goods, Haru still took one of the donuts. It was a small gesture, but one that warmed him up every so slightly on the inside. Even if it was barely anything, it was nice considering that only thing he'd been feeling before had been cold. His entire body felt like it was missing any of it's usual heat, which was odd considering how frustrated he'd been. It was probably brought on by the emotional distance he'd felt growing between the two of them.
Makoto took the bag that was handed back to him and grabbed the other donuts out. He didn't like them as much as muffins, but this was just going to have to do now. He took a bite after Haru, studying his friend's face as he did. Part of him was afraid that whatever mending he felt like they were doing was just going to fall apart if he looked away from him for too long. Although this felt better then before, Makoto still felt like he was walking on eggshells. He watched Haru stare at the wall for a good moment before he'd asked his question. He felt as though he was hesitating to do so, knowing that it might not have been the right move even if it'd felt like the best option.
I probably should get dressed then. Makoto smirked. "Or... you don't have to." He chuckled, not really even thinking about how awkward that might have sounded to him. "I was thinking... maybe... the pool?" He asked, knowing how much Haru liked the water, though he was aware this might have been bad timing. He was just trying to think of a place that might actually bring Haru some of the happiness Makoto felt he had robbed him of today. "I'm not on the team here or anything... So, I haven't seen the pool here yet. I was thinking maybe you could be the one to show it to me." He smiled at him. His throat was dry and his sniffled a few times, trying to breath out of his nose correctly after the amount of crying he had done since arriving here. "Unless, you'd rather not of course." He did consider the fact that Haru may actually want to get dressed after standing in his swim suit for so long. He was probably cold. "We could always just take a walk together... We haven't walked around campus together yet."
At this point the only thing Makoto desired was to make Haru actually happy again. If he didn't want Haru to leave him behind, he needed to give him a reason to want him around. He couldn't have another one of these breakdowns. It would push him away for sure. Reminding Haru of the good times they could still have together was going to be Makoto's knew goal. If he could pour his heart into making his best friend happy, maybe he'd want to hang on to their friendship. | | 503 words | :3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 3, 2016 14:25:23 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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Makoto chuckled at his statement regarding clothes, and that brought another brief smile to his face. 'Progress.' Was the one word that reflected itself in his head. "Or... you don't have to." A tilt of his head showed that he was confused by the wording Makoto had used. "I was thinking... maybe... the pool?" Oh, that made way more sense, and as per usual, that was one thing he always loved to hear, even on his day off from swimming. It was hard to suppress the excitement that rose in him at the idea of swimming with his best friend, made clear from the way he straightened at the proposal, the way his eyes glittered in eagerness.
"I'm not on the team here or anything... So, I haven't seen the pool here yet. I was thinking maybe you could be the one to show it to me." Now all the right words were being said, finally. The idea that he would be the first to show Makoto the glorious pool this university held was the best thing he had heard all day. Although he was cold, and part of him was not too keen on the idea of swimming for once, he was quickly realizing he'd give anything to swim with Makoto. It was one of the things he had missed the most, and one of the things that he felt would fix some of this mess. A nose-clearing sniff from Makoto, a bite of the doughnut for Haruka."Unless, you'd rather not of course."
'No, no I'd love to.' He did not say that out loud, for he could tell that the other still had a bit left to say. But he was more than ready and hoped that his friend was serious about that idea. "We could always just take a walk together... We haven't walked around campus together yet." Then again, that was a good idea too. It was a good day to take a walk, the weather was almost too good to pass up on. He was conflicted, but this time it was a good kind of conflicted, unlike the previous times.
"If you actually want to go to the pool... I'd be willing to take you." He said after a moment of thought, doing his best to look indifferent about the two options. He'd probably still change in to clothes regardless though, for he did have many swim trunks, and he wanted at least a moment of pure warmth, until they reached the pool. 'In fact, I'd be happy to take you. I want to be the one to show you it.' He was getting all stoked for the idea, but deep within, he felt that it still wasn't right. Was this some sort of peace offering, or a distraction method? It was working pretty well if it was the latter.
"Or, even..." He had an idea that would maybe work even better. "Why don't we go for a walk first... We probably should eat something better than doughnuts before we swim." Not that he had a problem at all with the sweets; what a treat they were. He just knew this was a good way to make the most of the options, plus it would give him even more time with Makoto. "And then go to the pool?" For as much as he'd love to go straight to the water, the more time he gave, the better. "Obviously if you have something else to do later today... We can just do one of the two..." A nonchalant shrug, but he was internally hoping he was totally free. He seemed to be, but maybe he just wanted to do something brief, and then spend some time alone. Haruka really couldn't figure his friend out this time.
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 3, 2016 17:44:03 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you Another chuckle managed to escape Makoto as Haru's posture straightened at the idea of a pool. He sniffled, letting the chuckle trail off just at the end for it. Finally there was some normalcy here. The feeling of something being wrong was still heavy in the air, but at least there were little pieces of right beginning to poke there way in. That was really all he could have asked for. He knew Haru so well that he was started to be almost mad at himself for thinking that college life was going to change that. Even if Haru changed here, which apparently most people did, it wasn't like he still couldn't be that pushy friend by his side learning any changes that had to come. Positive thoughts were starting to make there way back into his mind, something he thought was hopeless only moments ago.
If you actually want to go to the pool... I'd be willing to take you. With those words from Haru, Makoto's face lit up. Swimming felt like it fixed everything, mended problems. It was always his go to and the go to of the majority of his friends. On top of that, he was dying to get the chance to swim with Haruka again even if it wasn't competitive. It was a chance for him to swim with him without having to worry about being a disappoint or think about how much faster Rin was then him. He wouldn't have to feel like he couldn't compare, because it'd just be the two of them. No competitions. No crowds. Just them and the water and the threads of their friendship weaving themselves back together.
The words or, even came out of Haru's mouth and Makoto's smile vanished. He froze, dreading whatever was coming next in fear it was going to be an option to shove him off, to spend the least amount of time with Makoto before going their separate ways again. After all of the emotions he felt like he'd forced Haru to choke up today, he really wouldn't blame him. He immediately realized how ridiculous he was being again when an even better option came out of Haru's mouth. He was adding onto their plans. After Haru was done talking, Makoto tilted his head to the side slightly. His smile returned to it's rightful place on his face.
He took a moment to take it in before shaking his head. "No, I'm free all day. That sounds great." Makoto folded his arms across his chest, a little awkwardly. He was slightly embarrassed at how eager and quick those words had come out. "I'm actually kind of hungry. That doughnut was the only thing I ate." He chuckled nervously. "And I've been dying to get in the water. I haven't been swimming since I started here. Despite wanting to be a coach, my studies still haven't really called for any pool time yet." | | 489 words | :3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 9, 2016 12:43:21 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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The smiled that had replaced Makoto's rather worried expression before his ideas was enough to tell Haruka that his suggestion had hit the spot. That was a good sign, and he was hoping so dearly that Makoto would agree to the suggestion. It wasn't like he himself had anything to do, and if he could spend this day with Makoto, and they could forget the drama, then it would be just an amazing day. His ideal thing would be to spend a day with each of his friends, as often as he could, and it looked like he was on his way to achieving that. The heated conversations had made him realize again how fragile friendships could be, and that he'd actually have to put some sort of effort into keeping any he wanted. A scary thought, but a realistic thought.
"No, I'm free all day. That sounds great." Score one for Haruka, who, despite trying to look indifferent, broke into a smile. "I'm actually kind of hungry. That doughnut was the only thing I ate. And I've been dying to get in the water. I haven't been swimming since I started here. Despite wanting to be a coach, my studies still haven't really called for any pool time yet." Haruka could've cheered happily at the acceptance; instead opting for a slow nod, a nod of understanding, eagerness, many, many things. This was how the morning should've gone, but, then again, it was also probably good that things were taken off their chests, and opened up to make way for the good things.
"Great." Was his response, as he put the last bite of doughnut in his mouth. "We could probably track down some actual muffins, or something." A shrug. "Give me a moment, though." He requested as he then made way toward his bedroom, leaving Makoto to his thoughts for a moment as he closed the door, and quickly changed into some dry clothes. Grabbing a towel and another bathing suit, and shoving them roughly inside a bag, he was in and out of the room in a mere minute, busting into the kitchen with apart renowned energy. He was ready for the outside, for the food, and for the welcoming pool.
"Any place in mind?" He asked, referring to food. He honestly wasn't too knowledgeable on what stores and shops were surrounding them, and he was hoping that Makoto had at least visited a place or two himself with friends, or something. He hated to be so useless in that realm, but he knew that eventually he'd have the place mapped out. He retreived his house keys from the counter, putting those in the small bag as well. He then looked over at Makoto, and tilted his head slightly. "And, do we need to stop by your place on the way?" He asked, wondering if Makoto had brought his swimsuit with him or not. Common sense said no, but previous experience said yes. So really, he wasn't sure what the answer would be; but he honestly was fine with either end of the spectrum. One more stop wouldn't do any harm, and one less stop would give them more time at the pool, and that was sure welcome too.
'I hope you like this pool as much as I do.' He thought as he awaited an answer, coming to the realization that he was actually rather honoured that he'd be the one showing his friend one of the best things in his life. He knew that some of his friends would've already seen it before, and he was actually a little surprised - but also thankful - that Makoto hadn't seen it. 'Probably exactly as busy as he says.' Likely the causation behind it. But all in all, he was ready, and he was thrilled.
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 9, 2016 17:08:32 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you We could probably track down some actual muffins, or something. Give me a moment, though.
Makoto tilted his head to the side with a smile. "That sounds amazing." Actual muffins would really hit the spot right now. Since coming to Tokyo, they'd sort of become his comfort food. He was ashamed to have one of those to begin with, but he supposed it wasn't too much of a big deal. Lots of people had food that made them feel safe, right? "And, yeah, sure. Take all the time you need." He assumed Haru wanted to get dressed, and he was thankful he wasn't planning on just leaving the house in his swimsuit.
When Haru left to go do so, Makoto started actually wandering around his kitchen. It was different from the one back home, something he'd established earlier, but he was it could be pretty similar in memories if he just let go of all of the bad crap. He ran his fingers across the counter, taking in the texture just so that he was doing something while he waited. He then picked up a glass, inspected it for no particular reason and set it down as Haru re-entered the room.
A smile immediately returned to his face. It was a sure sign that he was beginning to feel much better. All the darkness that was looming over him was slowly clearing it's way out. Even if it was just temporary, at least it was giving him time to regroup and pull himself back together.
Any place in mind? And, do we need to stop by your place on the way?
He raised a finger up and scratched his cheek nervously. "No, I, uh, brought everything I need." He patted the brown bag looped over his shoulder. It was just common sense to him to bring a suit if he was going to be around Haru. "I was kind of hoping we'd get to check out the pool together." He admitted.
He thought about the other question for a moment as he made his way to the door. "Well, we could just go to the bakery I got the doughnuts from." He started slipping on his shoes, pulling the backs up over his heels instead of actually undoing the things and going through the whole normal process for once. "They've actually got some pretty good food, and they're not too far away." He finished with his shoes and turned to Haru with a smile, doing his best to make sure it looked like he was letting go of all the bad. "Are you ready, Haru?" He wouldn't ruin the chance to spend the day with him. It was probably exactly what he actually needed.
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 9, 2016 18:26:25 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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When Makoto revealed that he had, in fact, brought his swimsuit, Haruka had a brief moment of amusement at such. 'Oh, past experience never lies.' He mused internally, making some sort of an entertained sound, as he shook his head lightly, not surprised in the slightest. That meant one less stop, and more time swimming together like they had done for so many years. It was going to be great to not have to worry about performance, or times, and just focus on the present, and just enjoy the water. 'I hope it's nice and warm today.'
Then seeming to realize Makoto was speaking, as the other was walking away from him, he quickly grabbed his bag and sought after his friend, catching what he was saying. "- could just go to the bakery I got the doughnuts from." Ah, a suggestion. And it was a great idea at that. The doughnuts were nice, although sweet, so he had little doubt that the muffins had a decent standard to them too. "They've actually got some pretty good food, and they're not too far away." Makoto seemed to be reflecting Haruka's thoughts well, as the pair of them retrieved and put on their shoes.
He took his time to slide them on, not feeling any need to rush. He noticed that Makoto didn't even bother with his laces for once, and it struck him as odd, but not enough to question it. Standing up when he finished his own shoes, he slung his bag over his shoulder, much like one would with a jacket. "Are you ready, Haru?" A nod instantly followed the question. Yes, he was most definitely ready.
With that, he nudged past Makoto to open the front door, holding it open so the other could make his way outside, taking his keys and locking the door once they both were out. Jingling them once or twice before they were put in his bag, he led the way from his apartment, taking about ten steps before he froze, realizing he had no clue where they were headed. "Oh." He breathed, turning to Makoto. "Um- You lead." He murmured, shoving his hands in his pockets, trying to look like he totally knew where they were going, but just didn't want to lead. It was rather embarrassing to him how little he knew of his surroundings still.
'I know every crack in my house, but don't even know my neighbours, or the nearest grocery store, without navigation.' He thought as he absently trailed beside Makoto, automatically assuming the other was going to take the lead, since he was more of a leader than a follower. 'This will probably be something Makoto will have to help me with, as usual.' He wasn't bitter, no, not at all.
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 9, 2016 18:49:26 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you With Haru's nod, Makoto tilted his head to the side with a bright smile. "Good." He seemed to be getting a little better at managing to be himself after all of that. He just had to remember to treat this like nothing had changed and everything might be okay. They were in a new place, but the dynamic between them didn't have to be any different. He just kept reminding himself of that, and repeat it in his brain over and over until he was the same old Makoto that Haru actually knew. He felt like a new version of himself, but he really didn't want to. The old Makoto was surrounded by friends, and he needed to be that guy again.
Makoto made his way out the door when Haru opened it, nodding to him as a thank you for doing so. He waited for Haru to lock the door while kicking the heel of his shoe lightly against the ground because apparently he hadn't jammed it on quite all the way. He followed Haru as he began to walk, wondering if maybe he did actually know where they were headed. When he'd stopped and spoken otherwise, Makoto just chuckled. "I was wondering how far you were going to get."
He started walking again, passing by Haru but not walking fast enough that they looked distant or something. One hand kept on the strap of his bag. "You know, I've eaten there a million times now it feels like now, but I've never brought a friend with me." He spoke as they continued on. "I bet they think I'm some kind of hermit." He chuckled. "I thought about asking Yamazaki once as a passing thought. It'd be really cool to get to know the guy." He mentioned again, thinking back to basically the one and only time he'd spoken to him. Yet, something about it had intrigued him enough to peek his interest. "I bet you know him a bit better. He's always around Rin and being on the same swim team, I bet you see Rin a lot, hey?" He kept a content facial expression, trying his hardest to talking about anything and nothing at all just to keep everything how it should be. "What's it like being on the team here anyways?" He hadn't really gotten the chance to find out anything that was going on with him, but he figured today was the right day for catching up since it felt like for once they had all the time in the world again. | | 427 words | :3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 9, 2016 19:52:12 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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When Haruka paused and let Makoto lead, he cracked another small smile at the remark the other made, unsurprised that the other knew he had little sense of direction; it was a fairly obvious thing once you got to know him. He made no verbal comment, and quietly followed at Makoto's side, lost within his own thoughts. He couldn't stop running back on everything that had happened in such a short time, and even when he kept forcing it back and setting his mind on the pool, or his friend, it kept wandering back within moments, to the misunderstandings, the worry, the concern he had felt. It appeared that Makoto was able to shove it back without problem - although he had no doubts that the other was thinking deeply as well - while he was still mulling it over.
He wanted to press again, to make Makoto promise that he would seek a friend when he needed help, but he knew that it would revolve back into the confusion that had happened earlier, and he did not want that to happen again. But it was hard to deny that he was worried about Makoto, so, so deeply concerned, and it ate at him within. He was able to completely disregard that when the pool had first been mentioned, but now it chewed at him, an empty ache so deep. He wanted to ensure that Makoto was actually alright, that he was not just bottling stuff up inside. He hadn't gotten anything out of it, he hadn't gotten Makoto to stop blaming himself, he hadn't helped his friend in a way that a friend should've. In his own eyes, he had failed quite hard as a friend, unable to take that stress that it suddenly had given him.
He was walking slower at this point, trailing just behind Makoto, completely unaware that Makoto was making some actual, legit conversation; conversation he'd totally have approved of months ago. He heard the words, but couldn't process them, only being dragged out of his head when a question was posed upon him, to which he came to a stop, face blank as he tried to relay what had been asked. He stared at Makoto as the other made a few steps onward, blinking a couple times. "Sorry- What?" He responded abruptly, taking a few quick, large steps to catch up again. "I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, Makoto." He murmured once he had reached back alongside his friend.
He'd like to blame it on tiredness, or something simple like that, but he honestly just didn't have the energy to try and explain himself. He gave Makoto an apologetic face, feeling truly awful for totally missing everything his friend had said, feeling distraught that he was unintentionally disregarding the attempt at conversation, at normalcy. "What did you ask?" He questioned, speaking in a quiet, ashamed tone. He kept his gaze on his friend this time, walking beside him, trying to force aside all those things he was troubled about, determined to get what was asked this time.
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 9, 2016 20:25:16 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you At first Makoto hadn't even realized Haru had stopped until he'd spoken. That's when he'd realized that something wasn't quite right, and he stopped too just as Haru was taking his larger steps to catch up. He scanned over his face, trying to figure out what was off about him again. He doubted Haru ever listened to everything he said, lost in his own little world. The fact that it felt like Haru could drift out of reality so fast was one of the thing he found amusing about his best friend. However, this time just seemed a little... different. Suddenly that uneasy feeling in his stomach was beginning to surface once more after he'd been doing such a good job of keeping it down for the short time since Haru had come back from changing.
I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, Makoto.
"Hey, that's alright." Makoto's expression changed to a more worried one as he tried to pinpoint exactly what Haru was feeling. He wouldn't doubt it if this was still about before, which was totally Makoto's own fault. He still couldn't believe he'd just put him through this like this.
What did you ask?
Makoto tried to brush it aside, hoping it was nothing and started to walk again with Haru by his side. "I was just asking how things were going on the swim team." His words were filled with less optimism now, and it didn't take long for him to stop in his tracks. Knowing something was wrong with Haru made it too hard to continue on. "Haru...." He spoke quietly. "Are you alright?" He looked down at the ground. "If this is still about before... I'm really sorry... I just-" He bit the inside of his cheek briefly before letting it go. "Tell me how else to fix this..." I thought... I was fixing it. He didn't say the second part out loud, but it was clear now that his attempts were just failing. There was definitely still uncertainty in the air. | | 337 words | Sorry my posts seem to be getting shorter. o-o Hope you don't mind too much... Like, not enough to come to my house and try to strangle me or something. ;-; |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 9, 2016 21:00:14 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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Haruka knew at once that he had let his mind wander too far, and that his confusion over whatever it had been that had been said was a clear indicator that he was still struggling on the past. He could see the worry in Makoto's eyes, such a familiar expression, but such an unwelcome, scary expression as well. He was used to having Makoto worry about him, for he had caught the other more than once watching him with somewhat of the same expression. But he couldn't brush it off this time, and it made him feel sick; he knew that the other would instantly begin blaming himself once again, when it was really not anyone at fault.
"Hey, that's alright." The words were gentle, and had that worried tone to them, and he did not like it. For, he knew that the other was worried, and he could just tell that the self-blame was going to return, and that was what he hated. Makoto was always so quick to blame himself, and it was frustrating, and as a friend, it hurt. It hurt so badly, so deeply, for it was not like he could say a single word, and suddenly that wouldn't happen anymore. And even if he didn't say anything, and he was able to hide everything on his end, Makoto saw through him like a pane of glass. He was one of the few people that could read him so well, and in times like this, that was so scary.
"I was just asking how things were going on the swim team." He could hear all the joy from before fading, and within seconds Makoto was coming to a stop; Haruka slowing his steps until he was stationary beside the other. His chest felt tight, a similar feeling to the fear he felt before some races, an anxiety close to many incidences in the past. Regret swirled within him, and he found it hard to keep his eyes on Makoto.
"Haru.... Are you alright?" Thankfully, it was Makoto who broke the gaze first this time, and gave him a chance to drift his vision off to the side, not quite looking at anything in particular. He wasn't sure how to respond; he did not feel alright. He felt cold, he felt sick, he was worried, and confused, and just tired, very tired. "If this is still about before... I'm really sorry... I just- Tell me how else to fix this.." Little did Makoto know how much those words hurt Haruka, who knew, who had just known, that the blame would be self blame again. He did not blame his friend in the slightest for the drama; he was glad that he had been sought out, he was glad that they had gotten things on their chest. He was just having trouble coming out of it, the events wrapping his brain like a fog.
The bag on his shoulder had slid, and no attempt to even try and stop it when it removed itself from his body was made. He felt numb, a strange sense of exhaustion. Perhaps, perhaps this was the mental exhaustion many around him in the halls had always talked about. He had never put that much thought or stress into school, or most events in his life, so it was something newer to him. It felt similar to when Makoto had first mentioned he had decided to go to Tokyo; but different too, no anger, no resentment, just emptiness. He couldn't describe it, it was so foreign. He rubbed a hand across one side of his face, unknowingly letting the silence drag on. His hand was cold, and he was almost certain that it had to be made of ice or something, for he was so aware of the chill it brought.
"You're fine, you're fine..." He finally murmured, referring to the apology. There was no fix; there was nothing to fix. But he was not sure he could explain that to Makoto. He slowly blinked, turning his head back to Makoto, and gave a weak, tiny smile. "I'm just... tired." Was the explanation, and it wasn't a lie, although it was not the total truth either. Swimming was beginning to sound like less of a welcome event, despite all the excitement he had had only minutes before. 'Probably just need food to get my energy back.' Was what he kept telling himself, even though the hunger from before was gone, even though the idea of food was suddenly so unwelcome.
He was realizing this was how Makoto had probably felt in his apartment; defeated, numb, and he really couldn't blame the guy for the circles he had taken when they were trying to sort everything out. He was doing the same thing now, mind reeling, trying to find a way to find that normalcy he had felt before. He had a bunch of self-blame himself as well, when he thought about it; all the regrets regarding both the recent past, and the distant past, the years back. It was like those existential crisis's he had heard so much about, at such an unwelcome time.
And with that, once again, he realized he was not paying attention to the present world.
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jellyfish princess @ adox |
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Post by Makoto Tachibana on Apr 9, 2016 21:49:26 GMT
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you The fact that it felt as though Haru was even having a hard time looking at him was proof that something was really wrong. Makoto felt that lonely and isolated feeling beginning to freeze over him once more. Haru was right next to him, but it still felt like the two were miles apart. He could hardly handle it, and his heart began to beat a little faster even though on the outside all he really did was look at the ground even though he was dying just to watch Haru's face, to find some type of answer. He wanted something, anything at all that still showed there was a chance they were going to recover from all of the pain that had just been let out between them.
When Haru finally spoke again, he felt like it was the opposite of fine. His words were a lie, and that was incredibly easy to see. Makoto looked back up at him just in time to hear him say he was tired. He'd done this. He'd worn him out. The guilt was weighing in heavily once more.
Makoto stood there in silence for a moment, watching the defeated expression on Haru's face. "Look... Haru..." He sighed, also regaining that defeated feeling he was trying so hard to shake before. "As my best friend, I love you." He shrugged. "Nobody comes close. Not Nagisa... Not Rei. And that's never going to change even if we're worlds apart. I... I was an idiot to think otherwise." That was the truth. Even if Haru replaced him with someone else, he was still going to keep him at the top of his list as his closest friend. Even if everything in the world changed for Haru, it didn't have to change the way he felt.
Then Makoto smiled. It was a smile that was breaking, but it was also sincere. "We're going to be okay, Haru." He looked down into his blue eyes, eyes that held the deepest color of the ocean. "You're going to be alright, Haru." Makoto stepped in front of Haru for a moment, and then he put a hand on his shoulder, meaning to be comforting and hoping that it wasn't going to be another awkward moment. He just wanted Haru to understand that despite his worry about getting left behind, he was always going to be right there any time Haru needed him. "We may not be on the same team, but we're still a team." | | 416 words | :3 |
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Post by Haruka Nanase on Apr 9, 2016 22:38:04 GMT
haruka nanase ,
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Haruka could hardly focus on Makoto as silence lingered between them. He wanted to sit down, to curl in his bed and sleep, that desire returning strong and persistent. It felt as if he could just sleep away all the problems, and wake in a couple days, and everything would be alright. He had heard that feeling described many times, but it had been quite a while since he had felt it so clearly, so vividly. And maybe that was what he would do when he got home. He had not missed a single practice or anything since he had arrived; the excuse that he was sick as always a thing. And he felt emotionally crappy enough he could probably make it believable.
"Look... Haru..." He hardly caught his own name, focusing back on his best friend, eyes absently studying his face as Makoto continued. He did not miss a single expression change, and he knew that his own facade was thin. "As my best friend, I love you. Nobody comes close. Not Nagisa... Not Rei. And that's never going to change even if we're worlds apart. I... I was an idiot to think otherwise." It was said so casually, but he could catch onto the deeper feelings and meaning behind it, and it touched him. He could hear the truth, and see the serenity on Makoto's face, and that was at least something positive.
There was a bunch of things positive, he was not denying that; the pool, the doughnuts, the nice day and the walk. But right now, they felt like added weights, undesired things that made him feel so heavy, added onto his worry, his emotional numbness. And he did not know how to cope. This time he couldn't even cry, not feeling the stress or the anger that had led to the little scene before. No, he was just worn out, finding he was at a loss for words just like the very start of their meeting today. And he felt bad about it.
"We're going to be okay, Haru." There was a genuine smile attached to this statement, this statement said in such a way that it almost sounded like a promise. And even if he felt anything but okay, he knew that in hours, days, weeks, or even years, things would be fine. That's what he had to tell himself anyways. Despite that reassurance, he couldn't respond, that hand that had been rubbing his face now still, fingers trailing his forehead as he stared, unable to even return that smile, that wonderful, amazing smile. "You're going to be alright, Haru." There were things being said that sounded so much like promises, and he was so confused by that, for how could Makoto promise anything of that extreme. How were they to know that things would be okay. Yes, steps had been made, and things were way calmer than before, but it seemed even the smallest of mood changes would crash it down, even if not as severely as before.
Then Makoto's hand was on his shoulder, the other having moved closer, clearly meaning to provide support, reassurance, and Haruka gratefully accepted it, tilting his head just slightly to rest his head gently on the hand, his own hand dropping from his face. It was a bitter-sweet moment in his mind, for instantly was he drawn to the hug earlier, and how he had so badly messed that up. He could scream his anger over that before, but now it was just depressing, a reality he had to accept. His chest was tight, his head so heavy, and the mere presence of Makoto was nice, even if the air held the same suspense it had back in the kitchen.
"We may not be on the same team, but we're still a team." He liked that phrasing, it was a very true thing to be said. No longer were they swimming together, not following the same path in life, but that wasn't to say they couldn't do these things together. Even if they had separate requirements for the week, that did not mean there was no time to be had. These were the things he had been trying to stress to deeply before, and he was relieved to hear that Makoto got it, that he understood.
He closed his eyes, and sighed a deep sigh, opening them back to stare into Makoto's vivid green ones, lacking a proper response, but giving the tiniest of smiles - a mere raise of the corners of his mouth - to show that the words were taken in, that they were appreciated, and that he agreed. "Yes." Was the murmured response of agreement that finally came out. Even though they both were defeated, there was no yelling, no anger, no stress. Just simply worry, and reassurance, and it was a good change, even if it did little to relieve his deep settled thoughts. And chances were, it would take a while for those to remove themselves, both for himself, and within Makoto too. They were a team, they would always be a team, and this meant that they would always be there for each other, which was exactly what his goal had been this whole time; to make that understood.
"Honestly..." He then began in a quieter voice, a whisper, hesitating, for he knew how abnormal the next bit would be. "I'm not too sure about the muffins... Or the pool." It was not for the reasons he knew that Makoto would instantly come to; he wanted to spend his day with Makoto so dearly. But that previous excitement had fizzled out, and he felt unwell, unsure whether to blame the sugary doughnut, the cold, wet bathing suit for that period of time, or the emotional stress. He just wanted to go and lay down, and he was hoping that Makoto would pick up on the fact he still wanted to spend time with his best friend, but that he just had no energy left, even for one of the things he liked so much; for even if he loved the pool and the water so much, there was so much danger that came with being in it when you couldn't focus. And that was when the water became so scary, a force not to be reckoned with, a black, swirling current, with no limits, no boundaries.
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